The Force of Destiny
by Zambezi
Chapter Four
The next fortnight or so went by tortuously slowly. I saw Adrian from time to time at school of course, but although I was desperate to feel his warm arms around me in those warm, electrifying, hugs I couldn't bear to look him in the eyes without thinking of that four-letter word, the L word.
I didn't have a problem with love in itself, far from it. I was really into the idea of caring about someone, and them caring about me, but I definitely had a problem with making love - to a guy at least. I couldn't even imagine it. The mental sequence would always start with one of our all-conquering hugs, followed by a shedding of clothing. I shivered and shuddered as I fantasised about his taut, smooth body and his girl-soft skin. As our lips brushed each others' cheeks and then ran down our necks the little fantasy kisses were explosions of tactile pleasure. In my dream I swayed on my feet as I drank in his smell - that sort of halfway state between boy and man. And then as soon as I got to those white Y-fronts of his and started to peel them down I wanted to hurl.
With each passing day I loved him more and more, but I also became more and more scared of how I would cope if he felt the same way back - which led directly to the other problem I had. I had no idea if he did feel the same way about me or not. I had a suspicion he might based on the evidence around me - his comfort with those hugs earlier, the way he had clearly viewed me as his knight in shining armour when he got beaten up in the park, the odd thing he had dropped into conversation and so on - but I had no way of knowing for sure.
The thing is, when you're fifteen and in the roughest school in the roughest part of a generally rough city, you just don't go up and ask another boy if he's gay - unless you want to beat him up and are committed to doing that regardless of his answer.
We chatted in Science about nothing in particular, and smiled and said hi as we passed in the corridor. I still went home for lunch every day so I had no idea what went on in the cafeteria, but from what I heard he was still being tripped up or otherwise picked on. I thought about inviting him back to my place, but Daz sometimes came with me and I couldn't risk that, or indeed risk Dad seeing him. Dad came from the more nationalist end of the political spectrum and didn't really appreciate the idea of mixing with non-whites.
We were into December and getting ready for Christmas when another small but significant milestone took place, immediately before one of the defining moments of my life to date. It was swimming class and the very end row of lockers where Adrian usually changed alone was taken over by a group of guys from our class who wanted a bit more space. Without an entire row to himself, he looked a little lost and not a little terrified as he clearly wondered where to get changed. I saw it unravelling before my eyes and made a point of getting a locker near the end of my row, leaving a couple of empty ones between me and the wall. Our eyes met and he instantly knew to come down and take one, separated by me from the rest of the crowd.
Steve Morrison, who was one of the guys who hung out with me although I didn't care much for him, was not impressed. "Hey, faggot! What you doing here?" he called out.
"Relax Steve," I replied calmly, although I was angry at him for his outburst, and I was nervous as hell because I was about to intervene publicly on Adrian's behalf for the first time. "He's just using the fucking locker."
"But I don't want no fucking poof checking out my equipment."
"Well even if he is gay, I've nothing to be embarrassed about if he wants to have a good look," I announced, soliciting a roar of laughter from the other boys. "Hiding yours from him isn't going to make it any bigger!"
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Adrian trying desperately hard not to laugh as the others chuckled away. As I swivelled round to face my locker again I winked at him and he beamed.
"Thanks," he mouthed to me, and I melted.
As we got changed afterwards - thankfully without further incident - Daz mentioned that his mates had found a new target house in Chorlton - big family property with lots of money sloshing around, no security, good concealed access, and easy getaway. We figured that there would be plenty of Christmas shopping stashed away by the end of the upcoming weekend, and made our plans for Friday night the following week when half the city would be out having their office Christmas party.
At the end of that week, being Friday, was Science again and Adrian plonked himself down next to me with something approaching a smile on his face.
"Are you high or something?" I asked jokingly.
"It's my birthday today," he replied. "I can officially smoke, have sex, and buy a lottery ticket."
I had been doing the first two for some time and buying lottery tickets since it started a few weeks previously, and I also knew that there was no way he'd be doing any of them anytime soon. "So just remind me, that changes your life how?"
He laughed back. "It doesn't, but it's cool to be a bit older. It just makes me feel more, um, free."
"Anything else?" I had been feeling more and more confused and vulnerable as I had grown up over the last few months.
"More confident."
"The exact opposite of me," I thought to myself. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"Got any plans to celebrate?" I asked.
"My parents are taking me out for a meal tonight. They asked if I wanted to invite you to come along."
I still had quite a lot of money left from the last job, and next Friday sounded quite promising, so I knew I could pay my way and not have to worry about reciprocating. "That'd be nice."
"OK, can you meet us in Chinatown? Under the archway at seven give you enough time?"
"I'll be there."
"It's a date then," he grinned as I stared back, my lower jaw hitting the ground. "So to speak."
I smiled and willed my growing erection to die before we had to stand up for the experiment.
That evening I raided Ricky's wardrobe again for some hot looking gear before hopping on the bus and heading into town to meet up with the Jenkins family and eat. The chopsticks did present a bit of a challenge to me, but after trying and failing a fork and spoon mysteriously appeared by my side. The meal was great: we all seemed to laugh non-stop throughout and every time something particularly funny went down Adrian and I looked in each others' eyes before we burst out laughing. We were bouncing off each other in a way I had never bounced before.
Afterwards I was invited back to their house with them with the promise that someone would run me home afterwards. When we got in Lily offered to make coffee for everyone and indicated that she'd bring two cups up to Adrian's room when it was ready. We trooped upstairs and Adrian finally revealed what he had been dying to show me all day - a brand new computer sitting on his previously empty desk.
"Cool. What can it do?"
"It's a 486 chip running at 100 meg, with eight meg of RAM," he beamed. "State of the art - it's even faster than the new Pentiums. And it has Windows for Workgroups so it's even faster. When I save up for some games it'll be awesome."
"Wow." Compared to the things we had in the computer room at school it was like technology from a different planet.
"But the best thing is, it has a modem so I can dial in to bulletin boards and talk to other computers and stuff, if I had a phone line."
"I've heard about stuff like that and all these international networks. It'll never catch on though," I said. "Who the hell wants to spend their day chatting to someone on a computer? And what would people do, write an essay and stick it on a board somewhere so anybody can come along and read it? Come on!"
"Yeah, it doesn't sound like much when you put it like that. But I can send faxes straight from WordPerfect."
"Wow. Communication has really come on in the last few years," I continued. "There was a guy on the bus going into town tonight with a mobile phone."
"Now there's something that'll never catch on. Imagine people being able to get hold of you no matter where you are! My Dad reckons it's getting bad enough that his boss can page him."
We were still rolling around laughing at gadget-freaks when Lily came in with the coffee and gave us a funny look.
"Glad you two are enjoying yourselves," she began.
"We are Mrs Jenkins," I responded. "And I wanted to let you know that I really appreciated being invited along tonight. It was fun; thank you."
"It was Lord Muck here who insisted," she continued, nodding at Adrian, "but it was our pleasure."
She placed the two mugs down on the desk and left, closing the door behind her. I picked the milky one up and walked over to the window which looked out over the bridge at the back of the house, setting the mug down on the sill before I turned and looked at Adrian who was now sitting on his bed.
"You said this afternoon your parents asked you to invite me."
"They did."
"Your Mum just said you insisted."
"Oh," he replied, clearly rumbled. "I really wanted you to come and I thought you were more likely to if they had asked. Sorry." He looked up at me with puppy-dog eyes.
"Don't be," I replied as soothingly as I could. I could tell he was getting upset.
"I lied to you and I feel bad," he continued. For someone who was constantly getting hurt he could be quite a masochist.
I walked over to his bed and sat down next to him, picking up his hand in mine. "Adrian, I am really glad you asked me. I wouldn't have missed tonight for the world."
"I am still really sorry I lied to you like that," he said as I got up from the bed and started back towards the window sill to rescue my coffee. "Sometimes, you must really wonder where you stand with me."
I had just reached the window, and was staring at it in amazement. "I have to admit mate, until this very minute I have wondered now and again where I stand with you. But it's perfectly clear now."
"Huh?" he replied.
"Look," I said, pointing at where the steam from my mug was condensing against the cold glass of the window pane. Right in the middle of the pane, where he had obviously written in previous condensation, the words "AJ loves NF" had reappeared, along with a little Cupid's heart symbol with an arrow through the middle.
I was still looking at the window, stunned, when I heard the gasp of realisation behind me, immediately followed by a sniffle and then more consistent crying. I turned around and saw him with his face in his hands, his whole body heaving up and down with his sobs. He looked so fragile, so humiliated, so huggable, but I was unable to move.
A thousand and one thoughts were running around in my mind. Obviously, from his reaction, the writing referred to him and me. He loved me! But how the hell did I respond? I had to let him know that it was OK, that I loved him too, but I was scared of actually saying it out loud, and I was terrified if it ever got out at school or elsewhere. And I didn't know how to tell him about the misgivings I had over sex. I mean, back in Straight Land no guy would ever admit that.
Adrian was sobbing uncontrollably by now, while I remained rooted to the spot. He forced his words out through the tears: "I guess you know my dirty little secret now. I never meant for you to find out."
I moved towards him as he stopped to sniffle again.
"Hate me for all you're worth but please don't tell anyone at school," he continued, his face still in his hands. "I'll understand if you never speak to me again."
I sat down on the bed next to him.
"Nick, I am so sorry if you feel I've led you on. It was just so good being around you I didn't want to frighten you away. I'm so sorry you had to find out like this."
I put my arm around his shoulder, and he winced as if he expected me to hit him.
"Nick, I-"
"Shut up," I said as I lifted his chin up with my free hand and turned his face towards me.
"Nick, I-"
I planted my lips on his and started to kiss him. He froze at first, then relaxed as he let my tongue into his mouth, before he started to get adventurous and forced his own into mine. The sensations were indescribable. I had french-kissed girls before, but nothing prepared me for this: tender and sweet, his mouth seemed the perfect match for mine as the energy flowed around our mouths, tingling them with pleasure. Our arms wrapped around each other as we held on for dear life and pulled each other closer, each trying desperately to pull the other into ourselves.
When we finally came up for air and looked at each other, he started crying again, and this time I joined in.
"I guess we both know where we stand with each other now, hey?" I sniffled into his hair as we held each other. I could feel him exhale a smile and nod several times into my shoulder as I rubbed his back. "Let's just enjoy this moment. Happy birthday Adrian."
We held on for an hour or so, just enjoying the feel of each others' tongues and the chance to let our hands run over the other's clothed body. We talked a little bit about how we felt for each other and how we had both been terrified of asking the other if we felt the same, in case it blew up in our faces.
Eventually we heard footsteps coming up the stairs so we sprang apart and acted as naturally as we could, which was probably not very convincingly at all. Lily walked in and told us that it was nearly midnight and that if I wanted a lift home I had better get ready to leave. The alternative was to crash overnight on Adrian's floor.
I wanted to go home because I had no idea what would happen if I stayed in the room that night with him. I was desperate to get to know him better, and yet was terrified at the prospect of having to entertain male genitalia. It totally grossed me out. On the other hand, I had a slightly more pressing problem: a rampant erection in my trousers which had no intention of going away and was going to be spectacularly obvious to Lily - not to mention Adrian - the moment I stood up.
I looked at my friend pleadingly and raised my eyebrows. "Nice going Nick, just shift the burden of the decision-making onto him," I said to myself.
"Mum, I think it might be better if Nick stays here tonight," he responded, on cue. "We don't want to have you getting the car out at this time of night."
"How thoughtful of you darling, but I don't mind either way. Nick, do you need to call someone at home?"
"Nah, I told Dad not to be surprised if I don't get home tonight," I lied. I hadn't spoken to him since he had last been sober on Wednesday. "It's not unusual for me to be out all night on a Friday."
"OK, I'll get a towel and a spare toothbrush and pillows and blankets for you. I'm afraid Adrian's pyjamas probably don't fit you; I'll get some of Paddy's."
"That's very kind, but really, it's no trouble."
"And I'll get some of his clean socks and underpants for you to wear tomorrow morning."
"Mum!" Adrian interrupted. "He'll be fine, stop fussing."
Lily playfully stuck her tongue out at him and disappeared to get the stuff while we both adjusted ourselves with a slight giggle. When she returned, we went through the motions of making up a makeshift bed on the floor for her benefit, although we both knew I wouldn't be sleeping on it.
After our goodnights and bathroom visits Adrian shut his bedroom door behind him and made sure it clicked shut. As soon as it did our first reaction was to hold each other close again. We were standing up this time, so we both felt each other harden through our trousers.
"Somebody's happy you're staying over," he snorted.
"He's not the only one," I sniggered back as our lips met again.
"Come on, let's get into bed," he begged.
We helped each other out of clothes down to our underwear: me in Ricky's Calvins, he in his Hings briefs. I held my breath as I waited for the next thing to come out of his mouth.
"Might be best if we keep these on, just in case, you know..."
"I agree," I breathed with relief, before we both moved towards the bed.
It was not a huge bed by any stretch of the imagination, just a standard single, but it felt like the whole world that Adrian and I filled as we got under the covers and he turned off the bedside lamp.
We faced each other on our sides, our eyes adjusting to the dark, as our hands ran over each other's naked skin for the first time.
"There's not a flaw on your body," I whispered straight to his lips, eventually. "It's perfect."
His response was to grind our crotches together and plant another kiss on my lips, before his lips ran down my neck and started to kiss all over my chest. I was aware of him heading south, but I didn't want to take things too fast.
"Adrian," I whispered, conscious that his parents were inches away on the other side of the wafer-thin plasterboard wall. "Let's not rush things, OK?"
His head re-emerged from under the duvet and came to rest on the pillow. "Yeah, OK. I'm glad you said that; now I know you're not in it just to get your rocks off."
"Adrian, I think I love you and I'll wait however long it takes to get everything sorted out for both of us before we move on. One step at a time, OK?"
I felt a tight hug. "One step at a time Nick. I love you too."
He turned over and snuggled up to me so that we were in the classic spoon position, my arms around him, where we both fell eventually asleep.
I woke up the following morning after the deepest sleep I had had for months. Adrian had obviously enjoyed the total peace in that room as well, for he was still fast asleep in exactly the same position. I kissed the back of his neck gently and he shuddered as he woke up and realised where he was. He immediately rolled over and looked at me, our morning wood now in contact, separated only by two layers of knitted cotton.
"I thought it was a dream."
"No, I'm right here honey." It felt a bit weird calling him that - I had called Tracey ‘honey' - but it also felt kind of natural at the same time. I pulled his lithe body into mine as if to emphasise that I was right there. "You all right?"
"Better than I've ever been," he responded. "What about you?"
"Tickety boo, to coin a phrase," I replied as I kissed the back of his neck and felt his whole body shudder against mine.
Adrian chuckled as he got out of bed with a tent in his pants. "Do you have plans for today?"
I looked up at him and grinned. "Nothing at all, dear. I hope you have plans."
"I do now."
We spent the whole weekend together, either at his place or mine, or in the park, or just hanging out in town. In time, the hours would merge into one long memory of finding not only the first person I truly loved, but a soul mate as well.
In many ways we were the exact opposite of each other, but that just made the whole voyage of discovery all the more exciting - and challenging. Yet in other ways we were the same - just two guys finding out about ourselves and the world around us, and trying to come to terms with growing up. As we explored each others' minds I felt more alive than I had done in my entire life. Indeed, for the first time ever I began to feel complete.
Late on the Sunday afternoon, as we sat in my bedroom after a long walk around Buile Hill Park, we started to get to know each other physically a bit better as well. Our activity thus far had been limited to hugs and kisses, albeit passionate ones, but this time a hand made its way uninvited into my tracksuit bottoms. I gasped as it traced its way over each of my butt cheeks, and my breathing became ragged. It was delicious, but terrifying. When the hand slid around to my front and grabbed my cock, I jumped like I had been stung by a cattle-prodder.
"Adrian, I really don't think that's a good idea," I begged, desperate to have the hand back because it felt damn good, but knowing that I couldn't return the favour - and I wanted everything to be on even ground. "I really don't think I'm ready for that."
"But you've had sex before, loads of times."
"Yeah, but this is, um, different."
"Are you having trouble with the gay thing?"
I sighed. It was the first time the question had come up. "Yeah. How long have you known that you were, you know?"
"Since I was about twelve or thirteen," he replied matter of factly. "Once I realised it there was never any doubt."
"Until I met you the thought never crossed my mind," I stated honestly. "And the thought of the act is a bit icky to me."
"I'm sorry, I never thought of it like that. I just thought you might want me to get you off."
"But what about you?"
"Well, I'll just jerk myself off."
"That's not the basis of a loving relationship at all," I complained. "We're in this together, and I'm in it for the long haul, OK?"
He smiled at me and pulled me into a hug. "OK," he whispered into my ear. "I'll be ready when you are."
Just then came the sound that I had been dreading every moment that Adrian had been in our house: that of the front door opening and closing. I had no idea how Dad would react to my new friend.
"Up here with a friend Dad!" I called, hoping to head him off at the pass.
"All right!" floated back the reply as I looked at Adrian.
"I guess I should be going?"
"Um, yeah, sorry."
"No problem. See you in school tomorrow?"
I looked up at him again. "How will we, you know, act tomorrow?"
"Just like we did last Monday, and every Monday since we met. No one has to know about us, OK?"
It was a total role reversal. Hitherto, I had always been the strong one with all the answers. Now, he was comforting me and guiding us around my reservations. I was falling for him more with every passing hour. I planted a big kiss on his lips. "Sounds like a plan."
We walked downstairs but had to go through the lounge to get to the back door via the kitchen. Dad was sitting there on the sofa, chain smoking as he attacked his evening meal.
"Hi Dad this is Adrian from my Science class. He's been over helping me with my homework."
"Don't know why you bother. There's no fucking point in school these days - now that Thatcher got rid of all the jobs," he spat back. He looked at Adrian next, "and gave them all to foreigners."
Adrian looked damn near ready to cry. "You know where the bus stop is?" I asked. "I'll walk you."
"No, it's all right - back up to the lights and then up to school, right?"
"Yeah." The conversation was strained, surreal.
"See you tomorrow." He forced a smile and beat a hasty retreat.
I turned and looked at Dad. He had been at the dog track all day and could barely string six words together he was so drunk. At that moment, I wondered why on earth I had ever looked up to him. Indeed, I had just always assumed that one day I would sort of turn into him. The thought now terrified me; there was no way I could respect him. I could respect Paddy, and it was about then that I realised I had a new role model.
Dad looked up and belched, opened another can of Stella, and narrowed his eyes. "Don't bring no fucking chinks in here again."
"If you're going to be so fucking rude I won't!" I screamed back. "He was helping me with my homework. Normal parents would be happy about that!"
"England is for the English," came the reply as he shovelled more of his takeaway curry into his mouth. "Those foreigners have taken all our jobs away."
Dad had never worked an honest day in his life, and wouldn't if you paid him, literally. I walked to the door to head back upstairs to my room. "His Dad's from Liverpool," I said calmly, as my father changed before my eyes into a heap of contradiction and uselessness, and what was left of my relationship with him swirled around momentarily before it went down the toilet.
"So you're mates with a Scouser? How can I hold my head high around here now?" He laughed at his own joke.
"You can't, Dad, you can't," I thought as I climbed the stairs and retreated to my room, running my hand over the crease on the bed where Adrian had just been sitting, sniffing the air in the hope that some of his scent was still lingering.
A solitary tear ran down my face as I wondered how I would ever be good enough for Adrian.
I never even heard the front door being smashed open.
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