The Force of Destiny
by Zambezi
Chapter Three
I slept fitfully, tossing and turning a lot during the night. I also dreamed a lot, about all sorts of things but mainly about Adrian. In that sort of halfway stage between being asleep and awake, when your mind is throwing images at you but you think you still have some control over it, I was trying to recapture those hugs, those electric jolts, that fleeting kiss, and that feeling of being wanted and needed and, yes, loved. I would breathe deeply to try and recapture his scent, and I hugged a pillow to try and recreate the warmth and intimacy I had found yesterday.
In time the alarm sounded and I had to get out of bed groggily, but I was a very different person to the one that had gone to bed. However, it wasn't until I got to the bathroom for a shit, shower, and my once-a-week-on-a-Friday-whether-I-needed-it-or-not shave that I could begin to put a finger on what the difference was. I had got up with the clear intention of being a good friend to Adrian and, if push came to shove, I felt bold enough to put him first if I needed to. I somehow knew that the whole world could go up in flames around me but as long as I could hold him in my arms then that was all that would matter. Yeah, it sounded a bit gay when I ran it through in my mind, but while I was unsure what it was about, I was sure it was not sex. I was no arse bandit. And then it clicked: the person who climbed into my bed the night before was a fifteen year old kid who thought he knew everything, while the person staring back at me in the mirror this morning was a fifteen year old young adult who effectively knew nothing save the extent of his own ignorance.
I quickly finished in the bathroom and went back to my room to get changed and face the rest of my life.
I didn't have any classes with Adrian that day at all, although I saw the back of his head in morning assembly and we did smile as we passed in the corridor between second and third period. However, during morning break I did need to pop outside for a quick cigarette behind the bike shed and as I did I spotted two year ten kids trying to stuff a year seven one - Kane from next door as it happened - head first into a dustbin. New Nick steeled himself for his first test of character, and I sneaked up on them and bashed their heads together with enough force to temporarily confuse them. I made a mental note to be more gentle in future as I grabbed each one by their sweatshirts and told them to pick on someone their own size. Then, I told them to stay right there until I could march them to the teacher on duty. Next, I hauled Kane out of the rubbish bin and asked if he was okay. When he'd squeaked a "yes" I told him to tell me immediately if there were any more problems, making sure that the two older kids could hear me say that.
To say that Miss Bowden, the teacher on duty, was shocked to see me frog-march the two lads to the staff room and report them for misbehaviour was an understatement. Once they had received their detentions and trotted off, she looked at me and grinned. "And to think I was terrified that you'd be a bad influence on him." She shook her head and shut the staff room door, laughing. As she did, I felt another new experience for me: pride and a sense of achievement. It felt good.
Daz and I went out to work that night since it was a Friday and there was a good chance we'd find an empty place. We scored big time with a house out in Worsley and pocketed two hundred quid each, plus a further five hundred between us for our wheels from a ringer. The strange thing was that despite it having been our most successful night for months I somehow just wasn't excited about it, as if there was more to life than just money and earning a living. I didn't even feel like buying a few tablets, so the money just went into my mattress when I got home and lay on my bed, my thoughts drifting to my friend Adrian.
"My friend Adrian." It even sounded kinda cool. What was definitely uncool was that I couldn't get him out of my head. I wanted him there, in my arms, again. I wanted to hold him and be there for him, I wanted to protect him from the savagery of the city of Salford and the hell of Hope High School. I wanted to tell him I'd do anything for him.
And therein lay the problem. Boys just did not feel that way about other boys unless they were arse bandits, and I was definitely not one of those. No siree. But jeez it felt good holding him, inhaling the scent of his hair, kissing him, making him feel safe, making him feel loved.
I grappled with this inner turmoil all day. "If this is what growing up is all about, I want to stay a kid for ever" was one of the few conscious thoughts I can recall about that day all these years later. I stayed sprawled out on my bed the entire day. Dad stuck his head around the door when he woke up at about 1pm but didn't say a thing, which was just as well as I had tears streaming down my face at the time as I tried to get my head around all the things I was feeling. I didn't want to love Adrian but although I was not about to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else, I knew deep down that I did, and that - even worse - I might be in love with him too.
By about seven in the evening I decided that I had had enough of this moping around, and I hadn't had a shag in a couple of weeks so I headed off around to Tracey's, calling in at Daz's on the way. He had been trying to get Tracey's friend Chantal to go out with him for a while and figured he'd turn the charm on Tracey for a while to ease the path, so to speak, and came along with me. Thankfully, Tracey and Chantal were both home alone in the house and the moment Tracey and I headed up to the bedroom we knew that Daz and Chantal were getting it on with each other. I knew he hadn't got his end away since the summer, so I was happy for him, but my happiness came right up against another new problem for me, one from which I had never suffered before. I couldn't get it up, and I couldn't get it up because I was thinking of Adrian. It felt like I was cheating on him.
Tracey, to her credit, tried valiantly for about ten minutes but resurrecting the dead was clearly not within her limited skill-set. I didn't know whether to stay there and attempt a damage-limitation exercise or to run like the wind in shame. Being the person I am, I did neither.
"Don't you fancy me any more?" Tracey asked as she started putting her bra back on.
I saw my opportunity. "Soz Trace, but I'm getting bored, you know? Like there's always something better out there." It was largely true, but I wasn't even admitting it to myself then, and if the tone in my voice was nasty it was because I had always believed that attack was the best form of defence.
"Are you saying we're over, there's no future?"
"I never said there was."
"You boys, you're all bastards!" she howled as I pulled my tracksuit bottoms up and sweatshirt on. I grabbed my baseball cap and ran down the stairs and straight back out through the front door.
I walked back home as quickly as possible and ran back into my room, slamming the door behind me. I threw myself on the bed and beat the pillow with my fist in frustration as the tears came.
"What the fuck is happening to me?" I kept saying to myself in my head, over and over again. During the course of the evening a gale whipped up outside and a winter squall took a grip: gates blew open and closed in the wind outside and there was a hint of wilderness about the elements. Of course, inside the house I felt safe and sheltered, and although there was the physical warmth from the radiator, there was something missing. There was no emotional warmth, no-one to snuggle up to as the storm raged outside. I knew I had just walked out of Tracey's house, but she was only about getting my rocks off and I wanted something else. I wanted someone to warm my feet on, and I wanted it to be Adrian. Sleep took a long time coming that night.
Unusually I woke up early the following day, still wanting Adrian next to me. The storm had gone and it was clear and bright, but had stayed warm enough that there was no frost. I got out of bed, stepping over Dad's comatose body in the hallway, and went into the bathroom for a piss and a shower. As I stepped under the piping hot water, for the second time in a few days I felt like a different person, and that I was washing the old me away again.
Adrian and I had exchanged phone numbers during our evening together a few days previously, so I phoned him up at about ten o'clock and asked if he wanted to get together and do something. I could feel the excitement in his voice as it dawned on him what I had just asked.
"Lemme go check with Mum and Dad," he bubbled as I could hear him put the phone down and his footsteps retreat into the distance. I chuckled at the thought of someone asking their parents if they could hang out with their mates: I hadn't done that since I was about nine, yet I found the thought strangely comforting rather than constricting. The footsteps came back and an excited little voice came on the line. "They say I can spend the afternoon with you but I gotta have a family Sunday lunch with them. You're invited too."
I didn't think twice. The last meal had been a warm and welcoming experience. "Deal. I'll be there about noon. That OK?"
"Should be."
"I'll come down on my bike."
"Cool, see you later."
After we had hung up I looked at myself in the mirror over the fireplace and then down, directly at myself. I looked like the yob I was: Ellesse sweatshirt with the hood up (indoors!), Adidas tracksuit bottoms with a gaping hole in the left knee, and a pair of Reebok classic white trainers. And I hated sports.
Stepping back over my Dad's still-prostate body, now stinking to high heaven from where he had crapped himself sometime during the course of the morning, I pushed the door open to Ricky's room and made my way over to his wardrobe. He had some cool gear and I figured that if he wasn't going to use it, then I might as well.
I dug around in the wardrobe and then the chest of drawers for a while before I found everything that I was looking for. First on was a pair of white Calvin Klein boxers with the button front which surprised me a bit with the way they highlighted my packet. A pair of 501s went up over them, with pretty much the same effect. Man I looked sexy! Next was a plain white t-shirt, followed by a khaki Marlborough button up shirt which I left unbuttoned. Ricky's Rockport boots finished everything off, although they were at least a size too big. I made sure everything sat on me in the right place, including stretching my arms over my head to make the t-shirt ride up enough to show the waist band of those Calvins. I was sure I could have pulled anyone I met, but I only wanted to look good for Adrian. I'm not sure whether my puffa jacket helped or hindered.
I cycled down Tootal Drive, along Liverpool Street, and then down Langworthy Road before cutting through the waste ground at the back of the industrial estate and over the swing bridge towards the Jenkins' house on Vancouver Quay, arriving at noon on the dot. I had just dismounted my bike when the gate flew open and Adrian was standing there grinning.
"I saw you ride across the bridge."
"Cool. I'm not too early am I?" I replied, secretly kind of flattered that he had been looking out for me.
"No, just on time. Come on, let's head up to my room."
Paddy and Lily were standing around in the kitchen chatting and preparing food when we went in through the kitchen door. There was something in the oven and it smelled fantastic, just like real food. I waved my hand and said hello to them as we walked through into the hallway, dumped my jacket, and started to climb the two flights of steps to Adrian's room.
He held the door open for me as I entered before letting it go so that it swung closed on its springs while I walked over to the window. Through the gaps between two other buildings you could see everything crossing the bridge over the old dock across which I had just cycled.
"You look great Nick," that smooth voice interrupted. "I've never seen you in casual."
I had never had a compliment like that before but it felt good, not only to be complimented but also noticed.
"Thanks, you look pretty good too." He was wearing khaki trousers and a purple polo t-shirt with a white long sleeve vest underneath it: a bit American, but even I could see sophistication when it stood in front of me. We stood grinning goofily at each other for what seemed like an age.
Adrian broke the silence first. "So how have things been? Did you get up to anything yesterday?"
"Nah, not really." I wasn't ready to even think about the previous evening, let alone talk about it with a relative stranger. "How about you? I didn't see you at school on Friday; are things any better?"
"Well," Adrian began, "I nearly got bogwashed in morning break but Hewitt happened to walk past. Apart from that everything was tickety-boo."
"What?" "Who the hell uses words like that?"
"Tickety-boo. It's an expression to say everything's AOK," he explained.
"I'm sure it is. Just don't say it around here, it sounds kinda stuck up."
"I guess so, thanks for the warning," he grinned at me again.
"Anything to help," I grinned back.
"So, what are we gonna do this afternoon?" he enquired.
"Do you have a bike? We can cycle along the ship canal down towards Mode Wheel locks, or we can wonder over to the cinema and see a film. Or is there something else you'd rather do?"
"Nah," he responded, "I'm happy as long as I'm with you."
There was a strained silence as we both absorbed what he had just said. It took me an age to look up at him - I had been staring at my feet - but when I did I saw that he seemed terrified.
"I... I... I meant..." he started to stammer.
"I know," I said back instantly. The thing was, I knew exactly what he meant. The emotion in that room was intense until the next thing I knew I had reached out and touched his arm to comfort him and we smiled at each other, having a silent conversation about something neither of us dared speak about. Eventually, I withdrew my arm and we just started to talk about nothing in particular, although I felt a tingle of electricity throughout my body.
Lunch was great, and Paddy let Adrian and I have a glass or two of wine. I had only ever had wine once before, a glass of Black Tower my Mum gave me one Christmas when we were going for sophistication, and I didn't care for it much. This was nice though, and despite Adrian obviously being treated much more like a child by his parents in general than I was used to it all still felt terribly grown up.
After lunch we helped clear the table and then decided to head out for a walk. We walked miles along the canal side - virtually all the way into Eccles until we came across a barbed wire fence which we didn't particularly fancy the look of and sat down on one of the big stone blocks which litter the industrial waste ground.
It was at this point that Adrian cleared his throat and asked, matter-of-factly, the one question I didn't want him to ask right then. "Nick, why do you want to hang out with me? Everything I know points towards you and me being bitter enemies, but you're the closest I have to a friend here. I just don't get it."
I thought for a moment before replying. "In all honesty I don't know. I know exactly what you're saying: here is me the thug and there is you the nerd, yet I really really enjoy your company, in private, like we're doing now. I don't get it either." To emphasise my point, I put an arm around his should and squeezed, and he sort of sank in before he apparently realised what he was doing and sat upright. I withdrew my arm.
"What about you mate?" I enquired next. "What do you see in me?"
He paused hesitantly, before clearing his throat and speaking. "I see the only person who has shown me any kindness. I guess it was desperation to start with, but I know that deep down you are actually all right. It's just a pity you have such an image to keep up that you don't let it out more often. I also like it when we are like this, just us together. I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't think I could cope here."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a solitary tear emerge and run down his cheek, so I dabbed it with my shirt sleeve.
"Thanks," he said with a sniffle. We sat in silence for a few moments more before he sniffled again, this time more heavily.
As I looked back at him I once more had the irresistible urge to hug him, so I did. We sank into each others' arms like we belonged there, both holding on tight, both with tears streaming down our faces. Whatever pain he felt, I wanted to share it. I don't know how long we were in that hug, but when we finally released each other we were both chilled to the bone and the light was starting to fade.
"We'd better get off this cold stone soon or we're gonna get piles," I announced as I extricated myself from his arms. He looked disappointed as he laughed, but agreed and we jumped down to the ground to begin the long walk back towards the Quays.
We had been walking for about five minutes just goofing around and talking about school and the ways of the world when he suddenly changed subject and asked me directly: "Nick, what goes through your mind when we hug like that?"
"I wanna share your pain and your pleasure, and I want to feel physically close to you. I can't describe it any other way. I feel like I belong there."
"Me too," he admitted. "It's not a bit gay, is it?"
"No, it's a lot gay," I thought to myself. "Don't care whether it is or not. It feels right to me, and that's what's important. Whether it's gay or not, well I've had enough experiences with girls that I know which side I bat for," I stated, hoping that I sounded more convincing out loud than I did in my own head. The truth was that whenever I had him in my arms I felt loved, and I wanted to love back. I wanted to hold on so tight that I became him.
"OK," he replied, evidently satisfied. "Just making sure."
We walked all the way back in the rapidly fading light, such that it was totally dark by the time we got back to his house and the temperature was falling. We trooped up to his room and took up positions: he on the bed, me on the desk chair which was swivelled round to face the bed.
"So," he began.
"So, what is there to do?"
"Not much I'm afraid. I tend to watch TV in the lounge or just read and listen to music when I'm by myself. What sort of stuff you listen to?"
"All sorts," I responded. "You choose."
"Well, it's gonna have to be oldies if you want a CD, otherwise tell me which radio station."
I looked through his CD collection, but saw nothing I fancied, although I was acutely aware of his presence right next to be as we browsed the shelf. After he set his stereo system to Radio One he apologised for not having any interesting music for me to listen to.
My response was to throw my arm over his shoulder for the umpteenth time that day, squeeze hard, and tell him that I had better learn to appreciate classical music instead.
"I thought you said it wasn't for the likes of you," he laughed. "What's making you change your mind?"
"Hey, it was you who said my destiny isn't set in stone. Just cuz I come from a council estate in Salford doesn't mean I can't at least try it," I grinned at him. "Besides, if I'm gonna spend any more time here I'll have to get used to it anyway."
"You are welcome in this room any time you like Nick," he replied with a yawn. "Whether you like my music or not."
He had lain back down on his bed by this stage, his arms folded behind his head as he pretended to enjoy the pop music. I wondered over to the side of his bed and leaned over, smiling. He was already fast asleep - he had just nodded off like that.
"Thanks," I whispered, before leaning down and giving him a peck on the forehead.
I wondered down to the lounge where Paddy was sitting watching the afternoon film on TV.
"Adrian's fallen asleep," I announced as I stuck my head around the door. "I think it might be best if I left for home."
Paddy chuckled. "His mother's having a nap as well. None of us are used to it getting dark at four in the afternoon; it buggers up the body clock. Plus, Adrian has barely had a decent night's sleep since we came here."
"He's a really great guy when you get to know him, but nobody at school sees it that way. I feel really bad saying this, but I avoid him at school cuz I'm ashamed to be seen with him."
"Yeah, he told us. But thanks for being so honest."
"I wish there was something I could do to help him," I sighed.
"Just being his friend is enough; it's all he can ask for. Everything else is beyond our control. How long have you lived in Salford?"
I was slightly taken aback by the question. "All my life."
"Do you really like it here?"
"Don't know any better, do I?"
"I guess not. You know, I don't know how people live like this," he continued. "Nothing works here: you get really lousy service in shops and restaurants, everything's open while I'm at work and closed when I'm not, the bus never shows up on time, everybody is trying to rip you off, and the police have no interest in controlling the streets, only in looking after themselves. It's like being in the Third World."
I didn't dare tell him that my community thrived on this, not because I was ashamed - although I was - but because I somehow knew that he'd be disappointed. "I don't really know much about that sort of stuff. It's just life to me."
Paddy looked at me sympathetically. "I know. It's a pity, there's so much more of the world out there for you to see. I hope one day you'll have the ‘get up and go' to literally get up and go."
As he said it, I realised just how much I had grown over the last couple of months or so since Adrian had come into my life. "Yeah, Adrian's always talking about what we can achieve if we set our minds to it, and that my future is not irretrievably locked into Salford."
Paddy smiled at me. "The force of destiny is a strong one, but it can be overcome by the strength of the individual. Life is about choices and what you make of it - always remember that."
"I will," I replied, looking at my watch. "I'd better not take any more of your time. Thanks so much for having me for lunch."
"You were a bit chewy in parts, but I really enjoyed you," he joked. "Want me to pass a message on to Adrian when he wakes up?"
"Just say thanks for a great day, and I'll see him in school."
I felt all warm and fuzzy inside as I rode my bike home. As I lay down in bed that night and thought about the afternoon walk and the talk and the hug, I finally found the word I wanted to describe my feelings for Adrian. I loved him.
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