Christmas Brothers
by Rob Warr
Chapter 8
The next few days were tough. Everyone wanted to hear what it was like at the Nelsons, and when I'd be moving in for good, and all that crap. I gave them a condensed version, but of course Charlie was the only person I'd confided my true feelings to.
I knew eventually Dr. Asher would be wanting to talk to me, and I was surprised that it took so long. It was Thursday of that week that he finally called me into his office. I felt like a condemned man marching off to the gallows as I slowly walked the corridor to his office, and I paused a moment to steady my nerves before knocking on the door.
"Enter," Dr. Asher chuckled.
"You, uh, wanted to see me, sir?" I said stupidly.
"Yes, sit down, Zeke, we haven't had a chance to talk since your visit, but the Nelsons tell me it went well. I have been in touch with both, and they are very anxious to have you back for a second visit, perhaps over Christmas break. How does that sound?"
Oh no, this was worse than I'd imagine. Dr. Asher evidently assumed I was going to let the Nelsons adopt me. Well, why wouldn't he, I reasoned. Any sane kid would have jumped at the chance, but not me, no, I had to make it all weird and complicated. Was it really about my liking boys or was it something else. Was I one of those people I'd read about who destroy their lives every chance they get for no reason? Or, was it because the thought of leaving Charlie behind made my heart ache?
"Well, see..." I said squirming in my seat, "I sort of, well..."
"Zeke, is there something wrong?" Dr. Asher said.
Dr. Asher wasn't your usual kind of doctor, not the kind that treated diseases and patched you up, he was one of those psychoanalysis kind of doctors, and he was pretty good at figuring us boys out, even when we couldn't figure ourselves out.
Tears came then, and I felt like jumping up and running away.
"Zeke?" he said handing me a box of tissues, "What is it?" he asked in a gentle voice, "Was there a problem at the Nelsons?" he said sounding concerned now.
"Nooo," I managed to say without breaking down, "they were great, it was all great. It's just that, well...I don't think I'm the right boy for them." There, I'd said it.
"Well, according to the Nelsons you are the perfect boy in every way. Polite, intelligent, kind, gentle, and energetic."
"Did they say, 'all boy'? I said, then berated myself for bringing that up.
"What? No, I don't think they used that term exactly. Zeke, what's this all about? You can tell me, and I promise I won't judge you or make you feel bad about, whatever the issue is."
"I can't talk about it," I said hanging my head low, "but I can't go live with the Nelsons, I just can't. I hope you won't hold it against me or kick me out, but I just can't."
"Kick you out?" he frowned, "of course we won't kick you out, this is your home, but I don't understand. Why would you pass up a chance to have a real family, and a very nice one at that?"
"It's complicated," I said, relieved that I wouldn't be homeless if I refused to be adopted.
"I would encourage you to give this some more thought, Zeke. It's a chance of a lifetime and I'd hate to see you miss out. You know you have always been one of my favorites, but as much as I'd miss you, I would be very happy to see you find a loving home and parents."
"Thank you, sir. I appreciate that. I will think about it some more, but I'm pretty sure I can't go back. I'm happy here, and there are so many other boys who deserve it just as much as I do."
"Hmm, like Charlie? Is this about your friendship with Charlie?"
I was stunned, what did he know about our friendship? Had he heard rumors, had he actually witnessed that kiss on Monday?
"Not just Charlie," I said quickly, "all my friends, and the staff. They're like family to me, sir."
"Hmm, well...we are unique in that we do encourage that sort of atmosphere here, but...a real family is far superior to what we offer."
I shrugged, I didn't want to argue, but I wasn't ready to concede anything or back down, yet.
"Well, Zeke, the Nelsons are out of town till Sunday so I will give you till then to think things over and we'll talk then, all right?'
"Uh, sure," I said, thankful for the reprieve, but still resolute in my decision.
"All right, Zeke, you may go back to whatever you were doing," he chuckled, "chow is in an hour or so, I'll see you then."
"Yes, sir, thank you, sir," I said jumping up.
"And Zeke, think long and hard about this. This is your big chance in life. Think about what it could mean for your future."
"Yes, sir, I will."
More pressure, just what I needed.
"You're going to say yes or I will torture you to death," Charlie said later as we were going through the chow line.
It was beef stew and cornbread again, with chocolate pudding, which I'd already agreed to give to Charlie. After all the good food I'd had at the Nelsons I didn't feel like I deserved anything special tonight.
"Quit being so bossy," I said poking him in the ribs, "it's my life, well...kind of yours too."
"Man, if you blow this I will never speak to you again," he said stubbornly.
"Yeah, you will, cause you love me," I whispered, and he wilted.
"Okay, I will, but I'll be upset."
"Can we not talk about this right now? You're gonna ruin my delicious stew and cornbread meal," I chuckled.
"Hey, tell me about the food you had there, again..."
At the table the conversation turned to the upcoming holiday and the 10 day vacation from school. There would be a party Christmas Eve night in the dining hall and sponsors had already been lined up to provide food and drink and small gifts for all the boys.
"I heard there was another couple coming to look us over this weekend, "Andy said excitedly.
"Really? That's cool, you need to wow them with your pretty blue eyes," Charlie teased.
"Or wiggle your cute little butt," an older boy joked.
"Eww," Andy said making a face, "if they liked my butt they'd be weirdos."
"I think it's a very cute butt," Charlie said leering.
"Yeah, but you're not an old perv," Andy laughed.
"Nope, just a young perv," Charlie said, and we all laughed.
I was relieved that no one was pressing me about the Nelsons, but I found out later that Charlie had warned them to back off, that I had enough on my mind without dealing with their questions.
Back in the dorm, we grabbed clean undies and headed to the showers. Charlie loved the boxer shorts, but I liked the briefs better, so I gave the boxers to Charlie and he'd been wearing those exclusively.
The showers were busy for a change, but we were still able to find an empty stall and we soaped each other up as we always did. Nothing was said about this ritual, and in fact most boys paired off and helped each other out this way. Sometimes it led to more, but again, no one cared, and often it turned into a group thing.
No one, as far as I knew ever did more than jerking or oral, at least not in public, but who knew what went on in the dorms at night? Not ours though, I was pretty sure there was nothing that serious going on in our dorm.
We both got hard, as expected, but we decided we didn't want a public display of our affection so we quickly dried off and slipped on our undies. Back in the dorm, we got dressed, me in the pajamas the Nelsons had bought me and Charlie in sweat pants and a tee shirt. I'd shared my new socks with Charlie, too, and he liked the long ones, the tube socks, so those became his.
In sock feet we headed out to the common room and Charlie immediately got challenged to a chess game, leaving me on my own. I grabbed a volume of the encyclopedia Britannica, "V" and began to thumb through the pages. It wasn't the newest edition and had been donated by some school that had updated to a newer version, but it still held a lot of valuable information and interesting facts and pictures.
"Hey," Simon said surprising me by sitting down next to me.
"Hi, what's up?"
"Not much, just making the rounds. I haven't had a chance to talk with you since your visit. How did it go?
"Okay, great, actually, but...I don't think I'm going back."
I noted that he didn't seem all that surprised and I wondered if Charlie had filled him in. I'd sworn him to secrecy when it came to the other boys, but Simon was kind of special. He was more like a big brother than a friend.
"Want to talk about it?'
Did I? Yeah, I did, I decided, but not here.
"Can we go for a walk?"
"Sure, we'll take a stroll up to the second floor, no one should be stirring up there this late."
So we headed up the stairs and walked the halls up and down as we talked. I'd always found Simon very easy to talk to and before I knew the whole story had come out. Every little detail, including my love for Charlie.
"Wow, that's a tough one," Simon said, "but I'd hate to see you miss out on a chance like this. Charlie understands and wants this for you too. I know the boy thing seems like a big issue right now, but it's like Charlie said, your love life is no one's business. You don't have to share that part of you with anyone except Charlie. As for the Nelsons, they sound like great people, and I think you're selling them short by assuming they wouldn't understand your feelings for Charlie, or any boy, for that matter."
"I don't know, it's not just one thing, it's a lot of things. I don't feel like I'm good enough, or that I won't fit in, and what if that happens and they send me back?"
Simon chuckled, "I think there's a no return policy."
"Very funny," I said, but I did laugh, a little.
"Look, Zeke, I can't tell you what to do, that will have to be your decision, but this might just be the only chance you ever get to have a real family. Don't you want that?"
"Of course I do, I guess," I said, suddenly unsure of what I really wanted. Was the orphanage that bad? I had friends, three meals a day, a safe and dry place to stay, a semi-soft bed to sleep in, and most of all: I had Charlie. But what if Charlie got adopted and I'd passed up this chance for no reason? God, it was so confusing.
"Promise me this: give it some more thought, and don't rush into anything. The Nelsons will wait for you, and if your final decision is no, then they can move on and try to find someone else. But it might not be here, because it might be too painful to know they didn't get the boy they wanted."
"God, you're killing me," I laughed sadly, "I don't want to hurt them, they're really nice people."
"Then don't. Accept them as they've accepted you."
"Wow, you've given me a lot to think about. Thanks, I think," I said nudging him with my shoulder, "We'd better get back, Charlie probably wonders were I am."
"Sure, you go on, I have a few more rounds to make. See you later."
I found Charlie just finishing up his second chess game and ready to move on to something more relaxing.
"You and Simon sneak off and play kissy face?" he teased.
"Heck no, we didn't waste time kissing, we got right down to the good stuff."
"Right, and how big is it?'
"Big, really big," I chuckled.
"Well, of course it is, he's older. How big?" he asked seriously, and I burst out laughing.
As always thanks to my editor and dear friend, Michael, who keeps me keepin' on. Merry Christmas Buddy.
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