Christmas Brothers
by Rob Warr
Chapter 7
Monday morning came way too early for me. I guess Mr. Nelson had to work, so Mrs. Nelson was left with the task of returning me to the orphanage. But not till after a hot breakfast of eggs, bacon, hash browns, and biscuits. Unfortunately, I wasn't very hungry and only ate a small portion of each.
As I savored each bite I thought about what was ahead. Going back to the orphanage didn't really bother me that much, after all, I'd get to see Charlie and all my friends again, what I hated most was having to tell the Nelsons that I wouldn't be coming back.
"Are you okay, Zeke," Mrs. Nelson asked me, a concerned look on her face.
"Yeah, fine, just not that hungry. I guess I ate too much this weekend," I said trying to make a joke out of it.
"I'm sorry Mr. Nelson couldn't be here this morning but he had an important meeting this morning."
"That's fine," I said, "we sort of said our goodbyes last night."
"Oh," she said looking confused, "what exactly did you two talk about?"
"Nothing special, we just hugged and said goodnight, that's all."
"I see, but you haven't made up your mind yet...about being adopted?"
I was going to tell her I had, that I'd decided I couldn't leave my friends behind and become her son, but in the end I took the coward's way out.
"I still need some time to think about it, okay?" I said hoping she'd let it drop.
"Oh, well, of course. It's a big decision, but we want you to know that as far as we're concerned we've already decided we want you for our son."
Oh sure, lay that guilt trip on me, I thought, as if I'm not hurting enough. Why couldn't these people be horrible monsters or child abusers? Then it would be easy to say no instead of having to tear their heart out, and mine.
"May I be excused," I said after finishing the last of my chocolate milk. Goodbye Ovaltine, I thought, it was nice knowing you, "I have some packing to do."
"Of course, Zeke, and remember to pack all the new things we bought you, those are yours now."
"Yes ma'am," I said, but those gifts would be too painful to have after I returned, so I'd already decided to give them to the other boys, well...except the underwear, and the boots, those I'd keep.
It was a tight fit but I finally got everything packed, then remembered the toothbrush I'd been using and decided they'd just throw it away so I might as well have it. I hoped using it every night wouldn't remind me of what I was giving up, but I was more practical than nostalgic at twelve.
"All ready," I said when I came downstairs, my gym bag in my right hand and my worn jacket in the other.
"Oh dear, I do wish we'd bought you a new coat..." she said frowning, but for some reason that made me mad. Wasn't I good enough as I was? Did I have to be dressed up and all shiny and new for these people? I knew I was overreacting but somehow it made it easier to accept the decision I'd already made.
I didn't reply for fear I'd say something I'd regret, instead I shrugged and lowered my head. My turn to lay the guilt trip on her.
"I didn't mean to make you feel bad..." she stammered, "oh dear, I just wanted everything to be perfect and I know we tried too hard, but that's just because we think so much of you."
Well, so much for that, now I felt bad again. These people genuinely cared, and they did a great job of making me feel wanted and loved, and now I was going to break their hearts because of something none of us could control.
"Thank you for all you did," I said daring to give her a hug. Daring, because it was hard not to break into tears. As it was, my eyes were a little wet, but I managed to control my emotions.
"You are so welcome, son."
No, she did not say that. She did not use that word. How was I supposed to walk away from her now? But I had to. No way would they understand the real me, the boy who wasn't quite all boy, because he liked boys and not girls. I had to be strong.
"Can we go now?" I said ignoring as best I could her term of endearment.
"What, well...yes. I had hoped we could visit a bit longer. You're not due back till this afternoon...but it's up to you."
"I really want to get back, so I can think," I lied. The thinking was done, the hard part was delivering the answer and I hoped to do that through Dr. Asher and never have to see this pretty lady and her handsome husband again. Not because I didn't care for them, but because I did, and I knew I couldn't have the life they'd offered me. Why was life so hard? Wasn't it enough that I was orphaned at birth and had never known the love of a parent or family member? Wasn't it enough that I loved boys and not girls and would be hated and condemned for that the rest of my life? And now this, a golden shiny prize dangled in front of me, a prize I couldn't risk taking because I was different.
Needless to say, the ride to the orphanage was a quiet one, and though I felt bad for being such an ungracious guest in their home, I was dying inside and I was afraid if I spoke I would break down completely.
Fortunately, once we arrived at the orphanage Dr. Asher took Mrs. Nelson into his office and I was sent off to my dorm to unpack. The other boys were in school at this hour, but I wasn't surprised to find Charlie sitting on my bed, grinning like the cat in Alice in Wonderland.
"Well, how was it? When do you move in? Is your room really neat, or a dungeon?" he bubbled, genuinely happy for me.
"I can't do it, Charlie," I said plopping down beside him."
"WHAAAT?" he said looking confused, "What do you mean, you can't do it? Were they awful people once you were outside the orphanage?"
"No, they were great, perfect, really," I said not explaining further.
"And...?"
"It's because...you know, because how we feel about each other."
"Wait, how who feels about who?"
"About us."
"I'm confused. We can still be friends. I can come visit you, and when I age out we can hang out or even live together..."
"You don't understand. Mr. Nelson wants a son that's...all boy. One that likes girls and will get married and have kids. That's not me, Charlie, I'd just disappoint them."
"Did they actually say this, or are you just creating trouble for yourself?" he asked, knowing me all too well.
"Not exactly," I said, then went on to tell him what Mr. Nelson had said about me being 'all boy'.
"That's all? You're messing up the chance of a lifetime because of one stupid thing that this guy said. And it's not even stupid, really. He was just complimenting you, that's all. He wasn't commenting on your love life or anything. And frankly, your love life is your business. Who's to say you won't start liking girls at some point? Some guys like both. You're being ridiculous."
"You weren't there, you don't understand. It wasn't just the Nelsons. They introduced me to their friends and some of the family and they were all so nice...and normal. I just don't fit in."
"Bullshit," Charlie said, getting angry now.
"Just drop it, okay?" I groaned as I fell back on my bed.
"Hell no, I'm not dropping it. You are going to get adopted whether you like it or not," he said, then the tickling began.
Despite being physically and emotionally drained, I found myself giggling and squirming and actually enjoying the attention. I finally managed to get control of the situation and I pulled Charlie down on top of me and kissed him long and hard.
"Besides," I said releasing him at last, "I'd miss your sorry ass."
"Boys," a voice came from the doorway and we both jumped up, hoping whoever it was hadn't seen the kiss.
It was Dr. Asher but he didn't look mad or upset.
"Zeke, please come say goodbye to Mrs. Nelson and be sure to thank her for the lovely weekend."
"Yes sir, I will," I said relieved that he hadn't caught us kissing.
Mrs. Nelson was in the front hallway and she looked nervous as I approached.
"Zeke, " she said smiling, "thank you for visiting us this weekend. We had a wonderful time and our house has never looked better. You have a real knack for decorating."
Yeah, cause I'm gay, I thought bitterly, but I managed to push my foul thoughts away and return her smile with one that I hoped was genuine and warm.
"Thank you for having me, and be sure to thank Mr. Nelson for me, too. I'm sorry he didn't get to say goodbye this morning, but I understand business comes first."
"Can I have a hug?" Mrs. Nelson said then, and I swarmed into her arms, feeling her warmth and love, smelling her gentle scent and her perfume and fighting back the tears. What a wonderful mother this woman would make, but not for me, not for the boy who was not quite 'all boy'. Maybe it would be some other boy from the orphanage, and if it was I'd be sure to tell him just how lucky he was.
"Well," she said at last, still holding me close, "you think about this long and hard, young man, and hopefully we will be seeing you soon."
"Yes, ma'am, I will. Merry Christmas, and thank you again. I had a wonderful time."
I watched her walk away then, and she turned once to give me a little wave. When I turned to go back to the dorm Charlie stepped out of the adjacent hallway and joined me. We walked along in silence for a few minutes, then Charlie began again.
"Man, she is perfect, pretty, smart, nice, rich..." he chuckled, "and Mr. Nelson looks like a model, or an athlete, or something."
"He coaches little league. He wants me to play on a team," I said quietly.
"Man, that's great. That would be so awesome. I'd kill for a chance to play on a real team."
"Then maybe the Nelsons can adopt you."
"What? No, that's crazy. They want you dude, they love you and stuff. That wouldn't feel right. Besides, they don't even know me like they know you."
"I'm tired and I don't want to talk about it anymore right now, okay?"
"Sure, sure," he said, "I'll help you unpack, and we can just hang out, or you can take a nap or whatever.
"Yeah, hey...I got some new clothes, but I want to share them with you. We're pretty much the same size so you can pick out the ones you like best."
"Really? Nah, those are yours..."
"What's mine is mine, and what's mine is yours," I said grinning.
We'd never had much, but we'd always lived that way, and now was no exception, and Charlie grew quiet then, knowing he'd been bested.
"Well, maybe just a shirt or something."
"Come on, ever wore boxers before?..."
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