Final Answer
3 December 2001
Dear John,
Back in May I am sure my letter shocked you. I apologise. It was as hard to write as no doubt it was to receive.
For the first time in so many years I am free. You will never know, I hope, the horror of unrequited love. And I am free of it after 36 hopeless, stupid years. This could not have happened without my writing to you to tell you of it.
I am hoping that you can find it in your heart to meet me now. I can quite understand that you could not or would not when I was hoping to meet you then. It would be a great kindness and a magnanimous thing if you would agree to a quiet, friendly meeting.
We are both mature, mature enough for us to meet, to talk, to part, and to do all of these well. You owe me nothing. I owe you much, though it is hard to describe exactly what.
Perhaps you see this letter and me as being pathetic, perhaps that I am beneath contempt. Both may be true, but I don’t think so. Nor do I think that I made you fearful in any way, nor cast any doubts on who you are, nor on who you were.
It is a major source of regret to me that we could not have been real, true, simple friends.
I don't think I have the courage to phone you. It has taken a very great deal to get this far. Would you, please, phone me, or write to me? While I can think of so many reasons you will have not to meet, you would do me a very great kindness if you would agree to it. I am simply hoping you will help me with kindness to close this box for ever.
Well, I sent it with these concepts in mind.
- He would reply and agree to a meeting. This would mean that he was both kind and a gentleman. The outcome of the meeting was truly an irrelevance.
- He would reply and decline a meeting. At least that would mean that he was a gentleman.
- He would not reply. This would mean he was, whatever his orientation, whatever his feelings (if any) for or about me, a total unmitigated shit.
I posted it with a light heart. Whatever the outcome, this was the final stage of unwinding my relationship with my ghost. I left it six weeks before posting it here.
I am so tempted to put a poll here for you to guess which of the responses he gave. Dammit I shall! Now you make a guess, and I will put the answer in the comments. No peeking. Guess first, peek second.
So, there is my answer.
Of course, in November 2010...
