Sense of Doubt
by William King
Chapter 7
Double Play
I had a strange feeling walking into Jake's place, it had been awhile ago I'd last been there, and sometime since I had seen Jake. I had that now familiar feeling in my stomach, a mixture of excitement coupled with unease, which left me on edge.
Jake was wearing a huge smile and after greeting Jonathan and Sean, it seemed he couldn't wait to grab me and pull me into a hug. It felt good to be held, I could smell his familiar aftershave, I sort of melted. Music was playing quietly in the background, Jonathan was laughing at something Sean said, and Sean seemed to fit right in.
"I've got drinks and snacks in the kitchen and pizzas on order," Jake announced, finally letting go of me.
Jonathan and Sean followed him into the little kitchen, but I hung back a moment, looking around, taking everything in. Once everyone had a drink we settled down in the living room. It was a tiny apartment, but Jake had added some big floor cushions, so we all sat on the floor.
Jake looked at me. "It's good to see you," he said, before turning to Jonathan. "It's nice being back."
"And you, but how's your dad?" Jonathan asked.
"He's getting there."
I wondered what that meant, but thought perhaps Jake wanted to escape, if just for one evening. Sean asked Jake if he was staying here or if he would go back, but Jake didn't confirm anything. Probably, he didn't even know himself. It's funny how events impact our lives, especially when you are looking to find a solution. Jake for his dad, me and Matty. At least Sean and Jonathan had found each other.
After a few more drinks and right on time for me, because I was starting to get just a little woozy, the doorbell rang and the pizzas arrived.
"You've surpassed yourself," Jonathan gave Jake a whimsical look.
"Pay him no attention," Sean piped up. "This is great, best pizza I've had in ages."
"Oh well in that case, I'll have to forego my culinary skills and do like Jake, order in pizza for you."
"What culinary skills?" Sean joked.
"Wait till I get you home you naughty boy," Jonathan reposted.
It was a nice atmosphere and with a full stomach and lulled by the booze, I reclined on the big cushion, leaning my head on Jake's lap. Who for his part brushed a hand through my hair and toyed with an odd strand between his fingers, before touching my ear. It was a very sexy feeling that went through my body and the sensation was heightened when I remembered the phone call and him suggesting I spend the night.
Looking across the room, Jonathan was leaning over and kissing Sean. In a way everything seemed perfect and I smiled to myself.
Jake looked down at me. "What are you thinking?" he asked.
What was I thinking? Nothing much, that was the nicest feeling, for once I wasn't thinking about anything. Maybe just a little about Jake. And with that idea in my head, I began to get drawn along by erotic thoughts, in a dreaminess that was leading to an overwhelming desire.
The music had stopped and Jonathan and Sean lifted themselves up off the floor.
"It's been great," Jonathan smiled.
"Yeah. Next time you can all come to ours," Sean added.
"Well, if my boyfriend's inviting people, then of course you must. We'll fix a date, and then I'll fix him."
Sean just laughed. Jake and I got up, and we hugged and kissed, saying goodbye like old friends.
As Jake closed the door, he looked at me. "I guess you're staying the night, because you've missed your lift home."
I smiled and put my arms around him in what was a weaker replay of earlier. "I could always walk," I said coyly.
"Yeah. I think you could walk all the way into bed."
So we stacked the cushions against the wall, moved the glasses and pizza cartons to the kitchen, then lowered the bed. Jake closed the blinds and started to undress. I watched. I don't know if that was his intention, but I was transfixed, as if turned to stone in one of those mythological tales. Only my body wasn't cold, but hot. He stood in his underpants in the gloomy light of the room, there was just a small bedside lamp illuminated. My eyes wandered over his body, resting on the shape magnificently outlined behind the thin stretched material. The shape that formed a diagonal reaching upwards.
My heart was pounding and I had this swirling sensation that rose from my stomach. Jake stepped closer and reached out with both arms. I stood, almost trembling, as I let him undress me. No words were spoken. I faced him, stripped almost naked, as he knelt in front of me and slowly pulled down the last item of clothing. I was breathing deeply as my erection sprang up, released, standing proud.
Jake stood up and stepped back, looking at me. For a moment we were both frozen staring at each other, before he embraced me in his arms, our bodies pressed together. I felt his warm breath, and the tip of his tongue on my ear.
"I want to fuck you," he whispered.
I shivered with excitement and expectation. Any thoughts I might have had left my head like a flock of birds taking flight. I was totally lost in emotion and desire. Jake rested both hands on my shoulders as he manoeuvre d me towards the bed.
"Lie down," he said softly.
I shuffled up the bed, lying on my back looking at him. Jake pulled down his underpants and stood there naked at the foot of the bed. As I took in his erect manhood, my own responded, jerking upwards. I followed him with my eyes as he moved around the side of the bed and bent down to slide open a bedside draw. We were close now. Taking a tube of lube he stood up. Transfixed, I watched him an oint ing his cock, and my mouth was suddenly dry. I could hear my heart pounding. God, I wanted him.
He climbed on to the bed, kneeling between my legs, which he gently moved. I felt Jake's soft touch on my balls as his hand began to play beneath them. The feeling was amazing and my body responded. His hands then found my legs and he pushed them up towards my head, leaning in, his lips found mine and we kissed. I felt his erection touching me. Grabbing my legs, bent back towards my head, I was totally exposed to him. Jake positioned himself, h e pushed a gainst me, I gasped, taking a deep breath. Pausing, his eyes connected with mine, as if seeking permission. I blinked and felt him push inside. I cried a strange long deep sigh.
"Okay?" He asked.
I nodded.
His hands went back to my legs. I gripped his body when he leant in for another kiss. As his tongue wrestled with mine, he buried himself completely, his balls touched my arse. We stayed kissing like that for a while, before he moved back and gripping my legs firmly, he started to slowly fuck me.
The light creeped around the window blinds. Turning, I lay in bed looking at Jake breathing softly. The duvet was draped across his waist, his chest, covered with whispy hair, gently rose and fell. I wondered if I was in love with him ?
I slipped out of bed and moved quietly to the bathroom. It was the weekend and mum and dad would be over at Uncle Jeff's, but still I didn't want to have to explain being out all night. I got into the shower and washed, grabbing a towel to dry off. I was sure Jake would be awake, and as I entered the living room, sure enough he was sitting up in bed. He smiled and shifted his legs out the side of the bed.
"You snuck out," he joked, and stood up.
I opened my mouth to say something like I had to get home, but no words came out. The site of Jake naked and hard in the dull light of early morning aroused me. That much was evident as the towel around my waist tented. Jake took a couple of paces and was standing in front of me. My heartbeat raced as his hands gripped the towel and pulled it away. He threw it on the bed and knelt down in front of me. I just watched him, and sighed when he started playing with my balls.
"You like that, don't you?"
I simply gulped in air without replying. There was no need, it was too obvious, my cock was bouncing around in front of his face. I couldn't help thinking he might be about to give me a blowjob, who wouldn't, in that position. But when he actually did it and wrapped his lips around my cock, flicking his tongue around the head, it was all I could do not to grab his head. He went slowly at first sliding up and down my swollen shaft. He was still playing with my balls. Then he pulled off briefly and sucked on his finger, looking up at me. An instant later he was sucking once more, cupping my balls with his left hand whilst the finger of his other hand pushed into me.
Now I gripped his head and j u tted my hips forward. I could feel the sap rising. His finger was inside me, he squeezed my balls and I gasped, letting out a little cry.
"Jake, I'm gonna..."
He swallowed it all, gripping my buttocks with both hands, holding me as my cock spasmed.
I needed to see Jonathan, I'd promised to call Jake and meet up, but my head was spinning. The folks were gone when I got home. Michael gave me an odd look as he grabbed some breakfast cereal, but he didn't ask any questions. Except the obvious, "Where were you last night?" I told him I stayed over at a friend's because it was late and we'd had a bit to drink. I'm not sure he bought it, but he was off out somewhere so there was no time for any long conversation.
It was just gone nine-thirty when I called Jonathan. He answered straightaway.
"Jonathan, I need to see you," I said.
"Okay, but we were about to go out. Is it urgent?"
"Yes," I said, a little on edge.
"What's wrong?"
"I just... I need to talk to someone. You said anytime..." I sounded like a whining child.
"Sean and I have some shopping to do. Can it wait until lunch?"
"Yeah, sure. I'm sorry." Now I was apologising.
Jonathan seemed to take it all in his stride. "Come around to our place then. Twelve o'clock, okay."
"Okay."
He gave me the address, and even double checked I was fine to wait until then, before hanging up.
Jonathan's place had a nice feel to it, completely different to Jake's, and bigger. He had the whole ground floor, lounge, bedroom, kitchen/diner, and a fantastic little walled courtyard garden. I don't know if he did the same with all first-time visitors, but he gave me the guided tour. The courtyard had plants all around the walls, growing out of various sized pots. A higgledy-piggledy mixture of shapes and colours, from bushes to creepers, the lot adorned with wind chimes and bird feeders and other knick-knacks.
We sat down at a narrow wooden table in the kitchen, overlooking the ga r den. Sean was next to me, Jonathan was removing a large enamel pot from the oven. He placed the pot centre table, fetched plates, cutlery, glasses, and a bottle of wine. Sean uncorked the wine as Jonathan removed the lid of the pot, releasing steam and a wonderful aroma.
"It's a veggie hot pot," Jonathan announced, placing the lid aside.
Sean filled each glass with red wine as Jonathan served the main course.
"Do you always eat like this?" I asked, surprised.
Jonathan grinned. "We try our best."
As we were eating and drinking, I started to relax. It was all so very homely, and neither Jonathan nor Sean asked me what was wrong. Not until we were halfway through eating.
Jonathan looked up and caught my attention. "Do you mind Sean being here, or would you prefer to talk alone, after we've eaten?"
"Sean's already heard some of this," I said.
Sean looked at Jonathan, who nodded. There was a brief silence as I decided what to say.
"I told Sean that I have these two relationships, Matty and Jake. The thing is," I looked sideways at Sean, "I can't make a choice. Sean said I had to decide and that's the problem."
"Did you stay at Jake's?" Jonathan asked.
"Yeah. We slept together."
"And now you're all mixed up?" Jonathan sounded sympathetic.
I nodded and took another sip of wine.
"You know the problem here is how you are treating Matty. It's not with Jake. Jake has the whole picture, besides, he's older and been around. Matty has had a really rough time, he's young, and he doesn't exactly know what's going on."
We had finished eating the hot pot. It was delicious, although I didn't have a great appetite. Sean got up and I helped him clear the table.
"You need to think about Matty." Jonathan sat back down and refilled our glasses. "He's the one whose really going to get hurt here."
"I know, and I love him, but Jake... I'm..." The inner turmoil was resurging.
Jonathan gave a little smile and a sigh. "It's tough. Look, don't beat yourself up about things, but I agree with Sean. Not because the two of us are in a relationship, but because you have to think about the damage you could do if you carry on the way you are. You can't have the best of both worlds. It's not possible. At least, I doubt it is. Worse case scenario, Matty finds out you're sleeping with Jake. That would end things between you, I think. But i t would cut deep and really hurt Matty."
"What should I do?"
"The best answer is the one Sean gave. Decide who you want. If it's Matty, Jake will get over it. If it's Jake, that's more difficult. Especially, given the history between the two of you."
"What is it with Jake?" Sean spoke for the first time.
"You mean, what do I like about him?"
"Well yes. I mean is it the sex, or do you think you love him?"
It was my turn to sigh. "I don't know. The sex is great. Do I love him? Honestly, I've never thought about it, I might be, but I'm one hundred percent attracted to him."
"And Matty?" Sean asked.
"Matty is different. I told him I love him, and I do, but I feel responsible for Matty. It's the opposite of Jake. With Jake I've got no cares, with Matty it's a whole load of problems. I'm not blaming Matty. I'm not laying it all on him, but he came out to his folks, then there is all the stuff at school. And I'm not out, which makes me worried all the time."
"Apart from having great sex with Jake, have the two of you ever talked about a relationship together? Do you know how he feels?" Jonathan asked.
"Yeah, is he looking for more than, well, sex?" Sean asked.
"At the moment, if he was only into sex, I'd be fine with that. There's no complications."
"So what do you get from Matty that..." Sean paused, taking time to think. "That you don't get from Jake. Apart from problems, but life always has a way of throwing up problems, and anyway, whose problems. Yours or Matty's? Do you blame Matty for your own problems. Because half of this seems to focus on Matty coming out to his parents and you being worried about people finding out at school. With Jake it's all nicely sep a rate. But your parents know about you and Matty, don't they?"
I nodded.
"They don't know about Jake. So what looks like a perfect problem free relationship, only lasts so long."
"I guess," I replied. He had a point, but it wasn't simply about that.
"You don't seem so sure?" Jonathan asked.
"No, Sean's right, but it's not just that. It's... I like..." Thinking about what I wanted to say, I felt my face getting hot.
Nobody interrupted.
"I like Jake's control."
There was a silence. Not a shocked silence, a pause for reflection.
"I get that," Jonathan said.
"You do?"
"Well, I've known him long enough to work some things out. I can see how you would like sort of being under his wing, being taken care of."
"It's a bit more than being taken care of. I like his force, his dominance. It's really exciting, a turn on. You know, when I first met him, which was all started by him. Like we slept together, but he also took charge. He once..."
Now I could absolutely feel myself blushing.
"He once... was forceful," Sean added.
"Sort of."
"Okay," Sean said. "I've been in a relationship with a dominant partner. It is exciting, different, a mix of pleasure and a little pain."
I looked at him and could sense he knew something about what I was trying to say.
"Dessert, I think," Jonathan said, standing up.
Dessert was carrot cake with some sort of cream, which wasn't actually cream.
"This is good." I told Jonathan. "You're a great cook,"
"Thank you," he smiled. "You can come again."
That lightened the atmosphere, and I wanted to leave it like that. I think I have a definite inability to talk deeply about myself. That afternoon I'd gone further than I ever had before with expressing my feelings, revealing my inner self. But I wasn't ready to open up completely. Much as I really liked Jonathan and Sean, I wasn't about to tell them everything Jake and I had done together and what turned me on. That was a step too far.
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