The Year of the Rat
by Nico Grey
Chapter 21
Jebby was waiting for me when I crept cautiously into our lair. He wasn't too concerned about my late arrival. But he had been.
Jebby had brought Marco home, still trembling, settled him in our nest and held him securely until he was calm enough to sleep. Then Jebby had wanted to venture back out into the night.
Mike had kept him at home. He pointed out that I had experience taking care of myself; that I was much more powerful than I appeared to be; and that I had assured him that I did have help.
Jebby wasn't reassured. Mike played his trump. He reminded Jebby that he had asked Mike to watch him to make sure he never hurt me again. He had trusted Mike's guidance in such a serious matter. He insisted that Jebby trust me and trust him again.
Jebby had spent a long, lonely, and angry vigil in the church. He had almost defied Mike several times. Torn between love and his honor, it's probably a wonder that he didn't spontaneously combust.
He almost did, he admitted, when the church door had opened and no one had been there. He concealed himself in a corner in the back of the church. When he sensed something moving up the nave, but still couldn't see anything, he nearly suffered a heart attack.
When my bare butt suddenly just appeared in the chancel, he was astonished. And confused. He wanted to let me know he was there, but the combination of invisible and then naked had been a little too much for him.
When Dylan suddenly appeared next to me in the same state, Jebby had crept away toward the stairs. But not before getting a good eyeful. He thought Dylan looked amazing! Almost as amazing as I looked, he hastened to add.
I hoped that Dylan wouldn't mind Jebby's voyeurism. I looked inside myself to make sure.
Dylan liked Jebby. He didn't really mind. I guess that when your body is going to disappear forever in just a few days, it wasn't such a big deal if a friend was left with a pleasing memory.
It felt almost like a mood swing. As soon as his fear had been tamped down and Jebby we certain that I was safe, insecurity burst from him like he had turned on a faucet. He wondered why Dylan and I had been naked in the church. Had we become lovers?!
There was no way Jebby was going to sleep until he was reassured that I was okay and that nothing had changed about the place he held in my heart. I loved Dylan, but he and I weren't in love.
I debated what to share with him. In the end, I concluded that the whole story would probably leave him most satisfied and allow him to feel secure. And I decided that maybe the time was right to let him in on just about everything.
I explained to Jebby that this had to be a guided tour. There were one or two confidences that I had to keep from him to protect someone else. I sensed a bit of disappointment and uncertainty, so I resolved to share absolutely everything except the full extent of my mind sharing with Dylan and what I had learned about his Sun Quest.
I took Jebby through the whole evening, including that I had gone to Grant Park to work... and to hunt with Dylan. Jebby appeared to take that in stride. He wasn't shocked to learn that Dylan was also a vampire. I guess he had figured that out. Maybe even before our amazing appearing act in the chancel. Jebby was quite intuitive.
I let him watch my first job. There didn't seem to be any reason not to do so. Jebby knew what I did for work.
Then I shared with him my shock and surprise when I returned to the office and came upon Iggy and Marco. That raised a question in my mind. What had Marco and Jebby been doing at the park? The guys worked. But usually either Mike or I were there with them.
Jebby confessed that he and Marco had been bored. When I went out for the night, they decided that they wanted to go out, too. And when Mike left to buy supplies for us, they took the opportunity to slip away.
Once they were loose in the night, they really didn't have a plan. With nothing else in mind, they decided to earn some money for the family. They had barely taken their place in line at the restrooms when Iggy surprised them and grabbed Marco.
Jebby was completely outraged that our co-workers had prevented him from going to Marco's aid. It didn't matter that Iggy had a gun. He had to protect Marco!
That made me wonder about Jebby. And worry. The guy had a gun! Even I had been pretty wary of that. I admired Jebby's courage and his commitment to family. But I wondered if maybe I should make a few adjustments inside his skull!
My curiosity satisfied, I resumed Jebby's tour. I showed him what I had done to distract Iggy from Marco. I assured him that I knew Dylan was waiting behind the buildings. I explained my plan to him.
Jebby was still anxious.
I let him see, hear and feel what I had felt when Iggy took me behind the restrooms. I let him understand how I had been manipulating Iggy, and how Iggy had surprised me anyway. Having my hands cuffed behind my back hadn't been part of my plan.
I showed Jebby what I had been thinking as Iggy directed me out toward the arborvitae, and how I had manipulated him into taking me there, where Dylan was waiting. I admitted that Iggy's mind had closed to me as we walked that path.
I let Jebby feel my shock and terror when that pimp had yanked on my balls and stuck his knife between my legs. I think it took him longer to recover from that horror that it had taken me. When he was through trembling, he insisted on a thorough inspection to make sure I hadn't suffered any damage.
Finally, I showed Dylan restraining Iggy for me. And I let him watch me feed.
Surprisingly, that didn't seem to bother him at all. Not even when I let him sense my thoughts and feelings as I drained the hip-hop-mafia pimp of his life's blood. I think it gave Jebby a real sense of satisfaction to see Iggy get what was coming to him. The guy had hurt Marco. And he had tried to hurt me!
Then I let Jebby watch as Dylan comforted me. I had to be careful not to share Dylan's story with him, but I showed Jebby everything that had taken place when Dylan and I made love to each other in that glade.
I could sense some jealousy and insecurity from Jebby as that scene went on for what had been hours. I didn't like deceiving him, but I explained that Dylan and I had experimented with a new and more powerful way to transfer memories to each other; that I wanted him to share even more of himself and had used the physical lovemaking to enhance the deeper love involved with sharing ourselves.
Jebby was torn between voyeuristic appreciation of the scene and renewed jealousy that Dylan and I had shared our minds so closely. He wondered if that was something that he and I could do. Somehow or other, I suspected that just maybe we would.
Sunrise was less than an hour away when Jebby persuaded me to come to bed. He was distraught over the harm that had almost come to me that night. He needed to conduct a healing service.
It wasn't long before we woke Marco. He was overjoyed to see me. He was almost as delighted to hear that Iggy would never cross his path again. It was something that I resolved to explain to him in more detail when I woke.
Marco was energized. He just had to help Jebby with his service.
The ministrations of the pair proved so energetic that they woke Mike. At first, he watched us indulgently. Eventually, he decided that Jebby and Marco might need a little additional help.
I drifted off to sleep in just about the nicest way possible.
Mike, Jebby and Marco were all in our lair, waiting for me, when I woke up. Jebby hadn't revealed any confidences, but it seemed that Mike and Marco were at least aware that there had been some major happenings the previous night... bigger than just the demise of Marco's hip-hop-mafia pimp.
I considered what they needed to know, then what I thought they should know. I decided that it probably was time to take everyone more fully into my confidence. More important than strengthening the trust between us, I thought that maybe Marco and Mike needed to see more of what it meant to be a vampire. If they were ever confronted by that choice, they really should make it with their eyes fully open.
As with Jebby, it was just easier to show them instead of trying to explain everything.
I opened our nest and settled Mike and Marco on either side of me. I pulled us all into a huddle. Then I reached out for their minds and led them inside mine.
Marco's emotions were all over the place when he had to relive his capture and torture through my eyes. I think it was even harder for him when I shared my thoughts about distracting Iggy from Marco and taking his place. He recoiled from that contact in both guilt and shame. I tried to reassure him.
I didn't want Marco to feel any worse, so I attempted to move quickly past the moments when Iggy surprised me and then my terror when he tried to use his knife. Like Jebby, I think Marco felt the experience more deeply than I had. His mind never left mine, but I realized that his hands had cupped protectively around my threatened parts.
Finally, I showed them Iggy's end. I didn't sugarcoat what had happened to him or my role in it. I let them see everything I had seen, and feel what I felt and thought, as I drained his blood. I let them experience the full horror of a vampire feeding on his human prey.
The scene didn't trigger a strong emotional response in Mike. I guess he understood intellectually what I did to survive. He hadn't felt any sympathy at all for Iggy. He was able to view his demise like a zoologist might watch a predator devouring his prey in the wild.
Marco's emotional response, on the other hand, was off the charts! He was reassured to see that I had suffered no real harm. His relief at seeing with his own eyes that Iggy wasn't a threat to him any longer was intense. His sense of satisfaction at justice being served on an evil predator was overwhelming.
"I want to be able to do that!" he insisted.
I had assumed that showing Mike and Marco some of the gruesome reality of being a vampire might discourage such thoughts... Instead, all Marco could see was the power to bring a monster to justice.
"Someone," Marco seemed embarrassed, possibly ashamed, "Someone else made me feel that way once. He threatened to... "
It was definitely shame. He couldn't meet our eyes, and his own eyes were glistening.
I thought I knew what he meant. I realized that I could offer him more reassurance.
So I showed Mike and Marco another scene of me feeding. It was my first.
I didn't show them what had transpired before. I didn't want to shame Marco before Mike, or at least add to his shame. I was sure that he recognized the monster as I was draining his blood. For most of the past year, he had experienced nightmares that featured that face.
"I have to be able to do that!" Marco was pleading with me.
That brought tears to my eyes. They weren't tears of joy, or even relief.
I tried to explain to Marco the price of such power; what was lost when we were embraced by darkness.
Marco was insistent. He didn't see much opportunity for himself, even if he lived in the light for another hundred years. He didn't see much value at all to his life as it was.
I explained that I was never given a choice about my life in darkness. I implored Marco to give the light a chance. There were gifts waiting for him in the light, even if it was hard for him to see them now. He could never claim them once darkness claimed him. That door would be closed forever.
I turned to Mike to provide the voice of reason.
He shrugged.
"We've been talking, Rad. It might be best."
Mike wasn't choosing between light and darkness. He was choosing me.
I heard the thought in his head, "That is my light."
It wasn't the end of the conversation. It was only the beginning. But they had staked out their position. It would be up to me to make certain they understood everything possible about the consequences of that choice before they made any final decision.
While I was wrestling with Marco and Mike, and their sudden interest in darkness, Jebby had been trying to get my attention. It took me a moment to recognize that his clamoring was coming from inside my mind.
"Why didn't you show them the rest of your night?" he demanded.
That was hard to answer while I was still puzzling over his presence in my mind. He must have managed to enter on his own, something I had considered to be possible but unlikely without a lot more practice. His ability was growing by leaps and bounds. Taryn would have been amazed.
Jebby was persistent. He thought that Mike and Marco would enjoy watching Dylan and I get amorous under the arborvitae. Personally, I thought he just wanted an excuse to watch us again without having to acknowledge his own prurient interest.
But once Jebby mentioned what had happened, Marco was interested. And Mike couldn't let them watch alone. They needed his moral guidance.
So we made some popcorn — figuratively, of course — and settled into our nest to watch the show.
It was inspiring. Marco decided that Dylan was hot. Then he said that I was hot. Finally, he declared that the entire experience shouldn't be handled without full protective gear.
Mike was more reserved in his judgment, but just as appreciative.
It had almost been a religious experience. When we were through talking about it, everybody had to let off some steam.
Reliving that experience probably did nothing to dissuade any of my friends from their fascination with a life in darkness. Maybe that had also been part of Jebby's intentions when he suggested that I share the memory.
It was difficult trying to live a normal life with Dylan's approaching Sun Quest on my mind. Dozens of times each night I became suddenly aware that I had been standing motionless, just staring off into space for long minutes at a time. It was starting to concern my friends.
I tried communing with Dylan. He was reasonable. Too reasonable. What would happen was inevitable. There was really no other possibility. He was at peace with his decision. But he couldn't ease my distress.
I knew that he was in my mind and that he would always be there. But there was a part of Dylan that was about to depart forever. He would no longer be a discrete individual, with his own singular vessel and the agency that went with individuality — at least not in our world. That impending loss weighed heavy on my heart.
What he and I had done together would allow him to live on for as long as I did. He would always be with us. But he would no longer be unique.
My solution had been imperfect. I wanted more. But more was simply not possible.
I really didn't expect to find him there, but I went down to Navy Pier in search of Taryn. He loved to gaze quietly out over the water late at night. I guess it helped him find a sort of peace. And we all definitely needed to find peace in such a stressful time.
I was glad that I went.
Taryn was little more than a dark shadow against the railing. His body language spoke, as much as anything, of a sense of defeat. I was feeling a little bit of that myself.
I reached out with my mind to let him know I was there. He didn't respond at first. After several minutes, with a shudder as if he was emerging from great depths, he turned to greet me.
We didn't speak of much. We simply shared our sense of loss. We tried to bolster each other's courage so we would have the strength to help Dylan face what lay ahead.
I did have a practical question for Taryn. It was selfish of me.
I needed his guidance with my friends and their interest in entering darkness. I needed to know how it was done. And I needed to know what I should do, if that was their choice, to ensure that their crossing went much better for them than mine had for me.
Taryn wondered that all three were showing a sudden interest at the same time. That might have taken hours to explain.
I also thought that Taryn deserved to know what Dylan and I had done together. Imperfect as my solution had been, Dylan would remain with us. His memory wouldn't fade. And neither would his identity.
But I wasn't sure whether that was something I should share with Taryn yet, or if it might be better shared after Dylan had gone to the sun. I couldn't wrap my mind around the ramifications if Taryn knew that Dylan was inside me, while he still shared a home with Taryn and his crew.
I checked with Dylan. But it was a decision he was willing to let me make. He trusted my judgment.
In the end, it was our shared feeling of helplessness that made the decision for me. I couldn't stand knowing that Taryn was in despair, sensing a brick wall at the end of Dylan's journey with us. I wanted to share my hope that we still had some future with him.
So I opened my mind to Taryn and shared everything.
When he understood that Dylan was in my mind, he determined not to approach him there yet. That was for later, after the Sun Quest. Taryn understood that boundary far better than I had.
Taryn was joyful that Dylan wasn't going to depart forever. But he still saw our glass as half empty.
"Who he is will always be with us," he agreed. But he was still sorrowful. "Who he could have become will still be gone forever."
And that was it. In just a few words, Taryn had captured the sense of impending loss that was haunting me.
We shared more that night, both of us side-by-side, gazing out over the moonlight-dappled waters of Lake Michigan.
I was having difficulty understanding Taryn's guilt over Dylan's death. The answer came slowly. Rage, the vampire that had killed Dylan, was Taryn's younger brother.
I had known that. It just didn't seem to me like anything that Taryn should feel guilty about. My brothers were evil bastards. That had nothing to do with me.
But Rage, or Alec as he had been named, had looked up to Taryn. He depended on Taryn for protection. And when Taryn had gone into darkness, he had left Alec at home rather than keeping his brother with him. The home situation had become very bad and Rage blamed Taryn for abandoning him.
That was new information. But I couldn't see where Taryn had any other choice. How could he have brought a very young child into darkness? But Rage saw it differently. And because his baby brother blamed him, Taryn had self-doubts. Those doubts had turned into a little self-loathing as Rage's anger had been visited on Taryn's friends; especially at such a terrible cost to Dylan and to Dion.
I didn't know what I could do to help Taryn with his guilt. I was certain that it wasn't justified. But he had to come to believe that himself. I had no idea how to make that happen.
I understood that it would be wrong to try to alter Taryn's mind. I hoped that it wouldn't be wrong to leave behind a strong sense that he was valued and that he was loved. Dylan joined me in that message.
We parted after a long embrace. He promised that he would help me if Jebby, Mike, or Marco ever demanded to cross over. I promised that he could always come to me and we would always be there whenever Taryn was missing his friend. He turned away quickly and wiped at his eyes.
Before I went to sleep that morning, I asked Jebby and Marco to undertake a mission for me during the day.
Dylan's Sun Quest was just two days away. I couldn't wait until Sunday to visit Father Maxwell at St. Peter's, but that was the only day the church was open after dark.
I asked Jebby and Marco to visit Father for me. I gave them an envelope for him with a letter and money asking him to pray for Dylan. It was something that he would find meaningful. It was important to me, too.
When I woke, Jebby and Marco still hadn't returned from their mission to St. Peter's. I knew that the church had already closed, so I worried about them. But I wasn't deeply concerned. Anyone who really wanted to harm either of them just wasn't around any longer.
That thought raised another concern in my mind. Mike had suggested that he had talked to Marco and Jebby about the possibility of joining me in the dark. Both Marco and Jebby seemed motivated. Even the scenes of my hunts hadn't appeared to upset them.
I thought that the vampire's need to hunt might pose more of a problem for Mike. I was concerned about whether he could hunt and kill, even knowing that it was necessary to survive. Taryn had hinted during our conversations that it was still something he struggled with. And Mike's fundamental decency and kindness reminded me so much of Taryn.
I didn't want Mike to make such an important decision without a complete understanding of what was involved.
I found him sketching in our old lair. He was using one of our solar lanterns to illuminate his work surface.
Although Mike had spent some time inside my mind, and I had been inside his briefly, I still respected his privacy while he was working. But when he saw me standing in the doorway, he beckoned for me to join him.
"I might need a little help with this," he said.
I wasn't sure what I expected to see on his tablet. Trees were outlined against moonlight and a night sky. I recognized them immediately.
The glade within the trees was bathed in soft moonlight. The two figures lying in the sparse grass were surrounded by a golden luminescence that appeared to flow from them.
Mike had captured our moment of rapture so brilliantly. From the blissful expressions on our faces to the strained curves and lines of our rigid bodies, I knew that it was one of those moments when Dylan was filling me with the seed of his mind and the seed of his body.
It was brilliant. It almost felt more real to me than my memories of the experience. I couldn't imagine that Mike needed any help. The image captured the moment perfectly.
"What's happening here, Rad?" he asked. "This is way more than two people having sex. It's even more than two people making love."
That was... perceptive. That was a difficulty involved with sharing the scene from my mind. It was informed by much more than the gentle illumination of the moon. Mike had used both what I saw and what I felt to create this image.
"Did you ever get to know Dylan?" I was pretty sure that Mike hadn't. They had seen each other a few times, while Mike and I were visiting Navy Pier the previous summer. But I doubted that Mike had known anything more about him.
"He was... he is my hunting partner."
I gave Mike a few minutes for the meaning to sink in.
He nodded. He wasn't uncomfortable with the idea.
"He saved you that night."
"He saved me several times," I told him. "Dylan showed me how to hunt. Then he had my back every time that I hunted. He protected me."
I didn't know if that would be a sore spot for Mike. That had been his job.
He simply nodded again. I wasn't sensing a strong emotional response. Just curiosity.
"Is this what you usually do after you hunt?" He indicated the sketch.
I was having a hard time discerning Mike's interest. He wasn't giving off any strong emotion. Certainly not jealousy. Perhaps he was just curious about a scene that had generated such a strong emotional response in me.
"No, Mike. This was a special occasion." I couldn't think of a better way to explain it.
He just regarded me patiently, waiting for me to expand on that explanation.
So I did. Whether Mike chose to join me in darkness or not, I felt certain that he was going to remain the most important person in my life. Sooner or later, he would find out what had happened between Dylan and me. I decided that it would be sooner.
When I finished explaining what I could with words, Mike drew me into his arms.
"That's why you've been so distracted the past couple of days?"
"I can't stop thinking about it, Mike. I've done all I can. It just doesn't feel like it's enough."
He continued to hold me. I reached out with my mind and guided him inside. There I showed him what words alone couldn't explain.
Jebby and Marco returned a couple of hours later. Actually, they had returned much earlier. But they decided to spend some time together with our god. Father Maxwell had inspired them again.
Jebby was a spiritual person. But he still had his worldly interests... and pursuits. He was in the mood for another movie. A rerun of something that we had viewed quite recently.
Marco didn't need any convincing. He still thought that Dylan and I were hot.
Mike decided that it wouldn't hurt to see it again. He might notice a few more details for his drawing.
I was missing Dylan. Reliving that night might bring me some relief. I also thought that perhaps Mike and Marco would become more comfortable and independent in their exploration of my mind if they spent more time there.
Dylan also joined us for the show. He was quiet. He sat in the back of the theater. But I could feel his presence. It was funny, realizing that the Dylan I had first met, shy and so uncertain of himself that he was reluctant to even risk the disapproval of others, was now taking some satisfaction in knowing that others were inspired by his performance.
I wanted to hold Dylan. It just wasn't the right time yet to let Marco and Jebby know that he was there with us. But I did try to subtly include him once the movie was over and we took inspiration with each other from what we had experienced.
It's a strange thing about sex. I think it always feels good. At least it always has for me. I just never really enjoyed it at work. But in contrast to those money-driven sexual interactions with strangers, what an incredible pleasure it is to share those sensations and emotions with people that you love and trust!
I really wanted that night to last forever. It was still so difficult for me to wrap my mind around the idea that in just twenty-four hours, parts of my life would change permanently.
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