The Nonconformist

by Ken Cohen

Chapter 20

Assignation

Barbara went to church as usual. The big Orthodox church downtown where they'd belonged since his mom moved to Toronto during the war. So he didn't have to worry about getting to the phone first.

"Hello?"

"Hi Danny, morning, it's Alan."

"Hi. Yes, good morning to you too. And again, thanks for last night, I haven't stopped thinking about it."

"Neither have I. Still have time to do something today?"

"Sure. I have some school stuff I can get done that won't take long. After that I'll be free."

"Okay. A friend of mine called to see if I want to play football this afternoon, two hand touch. It looks like a good day for it. Do you know where St. Michael's high school is? There's a big playing field behind the school. I could meet you there if you like."

"I know where that is. What time?"

"I'd suggest about 1:30, I'll introduce you around. They want to start around 2."

"Okay, I'll meet you on the playing field behind the school."

"Know anyone else might want to play? There's room for more if you know anyone else."

"I think I do, actually. I'll see what I can do."

Hmm, I should call Johnny, set up something. He went to the phone and dialled.

"Hi, how's it going?"

"Good. What's going on?"

"Um, a couple of things. First, before I forget, don't pick me up tomorrow morning, I'll find my own way to school and home tomorrow. I'm staying downtown tonight."

"Oh. Is this something good?"

"I think so. I met a guy. Remember I told you about me? Well, I met this guy, and, uh, we hit it off. He took me for dinner. A young guy who's in computers and works for a bank. It was a special night, that's for sure."

There was a moment's silence. "Danny, we've known each other for more than half our lives. I'm really happy for you. I hope it works out, but even if not, I'm really glad you're putting yourself out there, as they say. I don't like seeing you lonely like you've been. You know what I mean."

"Yeah. Thanks, Johnny, I appreciate it. Anyway, if you're interested, there's a touch football game down at St. Mike's this afternoon in the field behind the school. I mean St. Mike's, the high school, not the college. Alan will be there so you'll meet him. I'm driving down in about a half hour but you should bring your own car, I won't be going home after the game."

"Sounds good to me" said Jonathan. "Hey, Mike's in town for a couple days. So I'll see if he wants to play. I'll also ask Gray."

"Okay, great. Hopefully I'll see you later. If anyone else wants to play, they should be there by 2, I think the starting time is 2. I don't know everyone who'll be there. It's supposed to be a mixture of high school, university, even a few older guys. I'm told they play pretty regularly, it's a fun game, they don't take it too seriously. Sounds like the games we have. A pretty regular thing, a core of regulars and guys who come and go."

He got through most of his school work, ate a light lunch, put on some old shorts, a T-shirt with a sweatshirt over it, brought his cleats. He wasn't sure when he'd be home.

He was cleaning up after lunch when Barbara returned from church. He sat down for a moment, psyched himself. He had to have this talk. It had to be now. He walked to the kitchen, she was eating lunch.

"Mom, I'm going to play football down at St. Mike's this afternoon. I'm taking the Plymouth. Also, I might go out tonight and later sleep over at a friend's place. I want to let you know that. I don't just want to go out and not come home until tomorrow because I know it might keep you up worried about me all night and I don't want that to happen."

"This is sudden, Danny. Who's your friend?"

"His name is Alan."

"Where does he live?"

"He has a house downtown, a renovated Victorian house converted to a duplex in an old neighbourhood near a park. He has the first floor."

"How did you meet him?"

"Through another friend of mine." Liar, he thought.

"Can you give me his address and phone number so I know how I can reach you?"

"Yes I'll write it down for you."

"When will you be home?"

"I'm not sure. Some time tomorrow. I'll probably go straight to school in the morning."

"Can you tell me more about him?"

"He's 22. He works for a bank downtown. He's originally from out west, Calgary. He doesn't use drugs and he's not a heavy drinker. And he's not some crazy guy off the street. He's a manager in this bank's computer centre downtown, he has a responsible job and makes good money."

"A manager? At 22?"

"Yes, he has a bunch of people who work under him. He's very smart."

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow night for dinner?"

"Yeah, I'll probably be home late afternoon, last class ends at 3."

He walked back to his room. Whew, went better than it could have. He gathered up his notes and books for school the next day, and placed a change of clothes in his gym bag before he left.

St. Michael's College high school, known as St. Mike's, has been a Catholic school in Toronto since the mid 19th century, with plenty of traditions. It also had a hockey team that played at the top of the junior level league it was in for players up to 20 years old, and provided many great players to the Toronto Maple Leafs going back to the 1940s and earlier. But this was just another informal, early spring pickup football game that boys big and small had played behind the school for decades.

Alan was already there. He introduced Danny to the guys he'd come to know. Most were in their 20s. They were impressed that Danny had been the starting split end on his championship school football team. He guessed a credential like that might give him a leg up wherever he would go.

Just before 2 pm, Jonathan, Gray and Mike arrived. They found Danny on the field stretching. They all hugged. "Mikey! How are things in Buffalo? You guys had a good season, I heard."

"Yeah, that's the varsity team, but we did well on the freshman team, too. It's a different world down there, Danny. I mean, you know how seriously they take college football. I think I told you I was second string on the freshman team, but our starting quarterback was injured in the third game, so I ran the offence the rest of the season. Man, it's really intense, way different from us in high school. I had some problems at first, and we lost a couple. But we won a few after that and ended up with a winning season, six wins out of ten. I was happy with the result. They're used to losing, so this season was a change for the team."

Mike paused, looked up. "Whoa! Rollie! How's it going? Long time no see."

Rollie was Bobby Roland, who had played for one of King High's football rivals back in high school and was now playing college level football for the University of Toronto Blues.

"Mike! Good to see you, man."

They hugged with big smiles. Rollie was a linebacker on defence in high school, and had sacked Mike in the backfield a few times over the years.

Danny introduced his friends to Alan. Then they picked teams.

They played pretty steadily for a couple hours. It was a breezy cool early spring day. Danny felt at home playing touch with these guys. He even scored a touchdown off a pass from Mike. Playing on defence he knocked down a couple passes and ran down a few runners in the defensive backfield. He had a lot of fun and a solid workout. And he'd perhaps earned even a bit more respect from Alan, who got to see him (and play against him) in a different milieu.

After the game ended, Danny followed Alan's motorbike down to his place. They were both hungry. They showered together and more. Then Alan made dinner.

The man could cook. Rosemary chicken. Salad with fresh basil. Risotto. Fresh steamed broccoli with melted Gruyère cheese. A few glasses of white wine. French vanilla ice cream with coffee for dessert. As they ate, they talked.

"You played well this afternoon, I could see you looked right at home. So you've been playing since high school?"

"Yeah. I was on the school team for three years. We won the championship in grade 13."

"So I heard."

"By the way, I told my mom I might sleep here tonight. She didn't react, so… I think she accepts things as they are. She asked about you, seemed okay with it. Doesn't want to know more than that. I guess she's figured out she can't run my life any longer."

"So it's good, then."

"Yeah, but she's still, well, I never know with her for sure. I hope she's decided it's not for her to interfere. The thing is, she's moody. Still getting used to the fact my dad died, it's a year and a half he's been gone. And I'm pretty sure she's going through the menopause which definitely can't be fun. What really has helped though is, she's working as a school teacher, teaching little kids, and she likes it. I've never seen her this enthusiastic about anything."

"So you want to sleep over?"

"Of course." A smile blossomed on Danny's face. "You know I feel like I've been freed from some invisible, um, restraint I guess you could say. I can sit here talking to you, knowing what I'm doing tonight, and I don't think I feel guilty about it. Not like it used to be when I felt guilty about a lot of things."

Alan looked at him and winked. "Sounds pretty good."

After dinner, Danny needed an hour to finish an essay he'd been working on for school. With that out of the way, they made love. Then watched part of a hockey game. Made love again, and again. Slept for a few hours but around 5 a.m. awoke and went at it again. Dozed off, awoke around 7:30 and did it in the shower. Danny lost track. Grinding, sucking, rimming, stroking, kissing, fucking, licking, blowing, he stopped keeping track after a while.

They had breakfast together and talked.

"You have a busy day today?" Alan asked.

"Yeah, Mondays are okay, three classes. Finished at 3. I might stick around, do a workout at Hart House before I leave, although I have two hours mid-day when I can do that. How about you?"

"Busy as usual. Work is intense. We're in the middle of a complex long-term project we began in August, aiming to complete within a year.

"Also I have a new software guy starting this morning, graduate of NYU. A draft resister. Came right out and said so when we interviewed him the first time. Supposed to report to the army a week after he graduated last June, but instead he drove up here. He mailed them a letter saying he'd moved to Canada and would let them know when he moves back. That's what's called disingenuous. Says he won't go back until the war's over, he's hoping there'll eventually be an amnesty. He applied for landed immigrant status a few months ago, so he's legal. Canada's gain, I guess. He lives with friends of his who are in the same boat. I thought the bank wouldn't hire him, but they didn't care. He's talented, smart, exactly what we need. What a waste he would be in Vietnam."

"For sure. I better get going."

The next weekend came. Alan phoned Friday evening. Barbara answered the phone. "Danny, it's for you."

"Okay, mom."

He came to the phone. As she handed him the receiver, she said to him softly, "sounds like a nice boy, so polite."

He smiled at her. "He is," then into the receiver, "Hello?"

"Hi Danny, haven't talked all week."

"Yeah, I know. I miss you."

"Like to get together tomorrow night?"

"Um, sure. Have anything in mind?"

"Well, guess I'd just like to see you."

"Okay."

"Can you come here maybe around 7 or 8. See if maybe there's a movie or something to see? Or something on TV?"

"Sure, how about I'll call you tomorrow before I leave?"

"Okay, I'll wait to hear from you. Oh, and can you stay over Saturday night?"

"Yeah, I can, but I'll have to get home or over to the university by midday Sunday. Final exams start in six weeks and I have to start getting ready."

"Six weeks? I'm impressed. Exam time. I remember what it was like. So, I'll talk to you tomorrow. See you then."

Saturday evening at Alan's, Alan wanted to watch Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo. "I saw it in the theatre a few years ago. It's brilliant, a psychological thriller about a retired cop hired by someone he knew from his school days, to follow the man's wife because he was suspicious of her, and in the process the cop falls in love with the woman he was hired to follow. I think in the future this movie will be seen as one of Hitchcock's best. It's my favourite Hitchcock movie, one of the best I've ever seen."

"What about Psycho?"

"Different, very different. Not really a good comparison, like comparing apples and oranges, no point in comparing them. And by the way, it's on PBS, so no commercials. Watching it straight through makes a big difference." People in Toronto could receive the American PBS station from Buffalo, New York. Toronto was in fact becoming a major market for that station.

So they watched Vertigo. Alan had a colour TV, which Danny's mother didn't yet have. Still, Danny found that first viewing of the movie a bit dull, although he felt it became more interesting as it reached the end.

"You want to call it a night?"

"Yeah. Want something to eat first?"

"Just you." Danny went to get his bag.

They made love, then fell asleep.

Sunday morning, they went to a local restaurant for breakfast and ran into friends of Alan from the neighbourhood, they ended up seated together, everyone eating, smoking, drinking coffee, talking, for nearly two hours. Afterward, Danny and Alan walked around the neighbourhood talking.

"Alan?"

"Yeah."

"We should be holding hands."

"Yeah, I wish we could."

He remembered the fairies in Yorkville. He told Alan what had happened that Sunday a couple years earlier. Alan laughed. Such a thing as their holding hands in a public place seemed like an impossibility. The worst sort of social faux pas. Why? Why should people care? More to the point, why should he give a damn? But he did. It was that defensive driving thing Mike had once talked to him about. If the wrong person sees you doing it, you could get badly hurt.

Toward noon Danny went home. He told Alan he felt kind of bad leaving him. Alan said not to worry, he was invited to a friend's home for their family's Sunday dinner. Someone he knew from work. Danny was glad to hear this, he didn't want Alan to be alone. He hadn't reached the point where he felt he could invite Alan to his home for a meal. He had no idea how his mother would react to something like that, and didn't want to deal with it if it went badly.

Before Danny left, he asked, "You around next weekend?"

"Yeah, why don't you come over Saturday morning?"

"Okay, late morning so I can sleep in a bit. I'll be here well before noon. Should I call first?"

"No, just come, I'll be here."

Danny dropped Alan at work, then drove up to the university. I have a lover, now, he thought. I have a new lover.

He had to get his mind back to business. Looming final exams gave him something to worry about and lots of studying to keep him occupied. To keep his mind away from sex.

He was settled in his bedroom for the duration, books and notes spread across the built-in desk plus bookcase that spanned two walls of the small room. Through the window that overlooked the backyard, he saw robins and blue jays and sparrows searching for mates among budding trees, and squirrels scrounging desperately among last fall's remaining unraked leaves for something to eat after the long cold winter.

Coming home to that desk was a habit he was long accustomed to. He thought back through the years since the day he returned from Greece at 14 to his freshly redesigned boyhood bedroom. Staring through the north-facing window onto the back yard he'd known since he was a little boy, dreaming back then of summer days and the years to come.

He remembered Kenny. Making love with him right here in my bed. Afternoons in that ravine. The memories felt faded. He hadn't heard from Ken since… a long time, it was… just Christmas cards. Punishment for yet another of his mistakes? Did I really deserve this? Some kind of purgatory? One mistake, this is how he treats me? Was he just looking for an excuse? He screwed up, not me. Remember that letter before dad died? All about him, no mention of us. Shit, he's really just a self-centred guy. I never saw that before. The world revolves around him now. In his mind, anyway.

Emerging every day after hours of study, he would go for a run, eat a meal, or maybe phone Alan or Jonathan just to relax for a few minutes. Sometimes, when his mother was out, he played the piano. He could still play. Some evenings he would watch the Stanley Cup playoff games. Alone.

All of his exams were scheduled during the first two weeks of May. That was a hectic time for both him and Alan. They managed to get together one Friday night. Alan's work was frantic, he'd come home a few times well into the evening recently because of late meetings and pending deadlines that were expected to last another week or two. Danny's last exam was on a Friday, at the end of the second week of May.

Diary, May 14, 1969 - I shouldn't have watched the news tonight. Fortunately, mom wasn't here at the time and didn't see it. Anyway, I felt like puking. They were quoting what members of Parliament were saying during a debate today about changing the Criminal Code so that sex in private between any two adults who are at least 21 won't be illegal any more if the two adults both happen to be men.

And why 21? So I'm still a criminal. I'm only 19, after all. We mustn't expose our innocent, virginal 19-year old sons to vile sodomy or other disgusting behaviour. Fuck you, Mr. Trudeau.

It was early June. He was again spending Friday night with Alan. He reminded his mom.

"That's fine, she said, I hope you haven't forgotten about the baptism at the church downtown on Sunday morning."

"I remember. I'll be home for dinner Saturday. I'll drive the three of us to the church Sunday morning. I think you said it's at 9:30?"

"Yes. There will be a little reception there afterward that I hope you can stay for, to say hello to everyone."

"Yes, I'll be there. You'll be able to find a ride home?"

"Yes, that's all arranged, Annie and Sam Crofter will be driving down as well so we'll come home with them."

On Saturday morning, after they had slowly extracted themselves from the night's activities, Danny and Alan went for breakfast and then Danny went home for the rest of the day. He'd be back Sunday around noon after the baptism, and they'd spend the rest of the day together. His summer job at Ontario Treasury didn't start until toward the end of June, so he had two weeks to himself. He wondered if he should move in with Alan. Think about it, he told himself. He wondered if he was really ready for a step like that.

Sunday arrived. A beautiful, warm day. Thousands of trees had come alive across the city over the last few weeks, plants were growing, flowers blooming, insects buzzing, birds scurried about.

Danny, Barbara and Mary drove downtown to the Greek Orthodox church for the baptism. Danny left the church just before 11. Within 15 minutes he was across town in Alan's neighbourhood. He parked his car, it was his lucky day, a parking space in front of Allan's house. He locked up, walked to the front door, knocked and stepped back.

The living room bay window drape parted slightly, a bit of a face peered out. Is that Alan? He knocked again. He waited.

The front door opened. A young man appeared, maybe late 20's, tall, straight blonde hair to his neck and across his forehead, which he tossed back with a shake of his head. A tight cream coloured T-shirt with one of those little crocodile logos, tight, thigh-length light brown shorts. Barefoot. Pretty toenails.

"Hi, I'm here to see Alan?"

"Oh. You are?"

"I'm Danny, is Alan home?"

"Well, come in, don't stand outside." The door was wide open, Danny stepped into the house. The man stared at him.

"Alan will be back in a while, he ran to the store to pick up some things he forgot about."

Definitely gay, Danny thought. The air smelled of cooking. Garlic, maybe? The young man had an air of interrupted activity, slight annoyance, something else, he was back and forth on his feet, fiddling with his fingers, staring. Intimidating?

"Who are you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Sandi, with an 'i'. Alan's, um, friend. You must be the boy he, uh, picked up, met, when, a few weeks ago? You're in school, right? I think he mentioned you. Anyway, we're having a few friends for a barbecue and drinks. He said you'd be coming."

What Alan had described to Sandi a few weeks earlier in a brief conversation on the street was now alive and breathing a foot away from him. 19. Athletic. Cute. Greek heritage. A little naive, maybe, Sandi thought. Single, one former boyfriend long gone, Alan had said. Sandi took a deep breath.

As Danny looked at the man, he felt something obscure beginning to unravel in his mind. A certainty about himself and Alan as a couple in love gave way to a world of nonchalant fashionable people in the guise of one apparently gay man, a previously unmentioned rival, staring at him, with more on the way. Were they together last night? Huh? A party? Is this the right house? Yeah, it is. Alan didn't say anything about a party. Or about this guy. Did he? Maybe I forgot. No, I'd remember.

And who is this? What's he doing here? Alan didn't say anything about… What's he hiding from me?

It felt wrong, very wrong indeed, a dribble of slight paranoia seeping in. They were supposed to have lunch, go biking along the lake this afternoon. Supposed to have lunch, right? Maybe get together with one of his neighbours later. That's what he said. Didn't he? Is this real? Am I dreaming?

A man unknown to Danny. Apparently gay. Looking him over. A slight nausea, disordered uncertainty, faint paranoia. A gay guy I don't know, at his door?

Who is Sandi? Is this Alan's other life? Will he come home all nonchalant like it means nothing? They've been fucking all weekend no doubt? But it will mean nothing? I thought… I should go home. I need to get out of here.

"Come sit down. I have things to do. Alan will be back in a while, he went to the store."

"Yeah, you said." Hey, don't be impolite, he thought. Invent an excuse.

Sandi walked away for a moment, down the hall. Danny stepped into the living room. Through it he saw the open door to Alan's bedroom, a few clothes scattered on the familiar bed. Sandi fiddled with something there.

The phone rang. Sandi hurried to the kitchen. Danny seated himself, idly looked about at nothing, nothing to do but...

"Hello? Oh, Skate, hi! How are you? It's wonderful to hear from you, darling. Alan's out just now, that's why I answered."

Danny listened. "Oh, that's so cool. And he's coming with? Oh yes, yes." Pause. "Yes any time. 12:30 is fine." Pause. "Oh you don't need to bring anything, doll, just your beautiful self."

Danny waited, feeling inert. There was something about Sandi but…

"Well I'd love that, you know how much I love fine red wines."

Fine red wines? I'm gonna puke. I should leave. Alan left me alone with this? It's like torture…

"Alright, we'll see you in a while."

Is he…

Sandi returned to the living room. "That was Skate. He's a friend. Danny, would you like a drink? We have beer, wine, or stronger, we have just about everything." He was staring again.

"I guess I'll have a glass of wine if you don't mind." What was the guy staring at?

"Mind? Why would I mind? Red or white?"

"Oh, white I guess."

"Coming right up, just give me a minute."

Does this guy live here? Alan didn't say anything. Where did he come from? Going to be a party here?

He felt alone, dislocated. Looking around the inviting place and handsome things he'd admired and felt at home with, he felt disconnected from it now. Was it all an illusion? Am I dreaming?

Sandi returned with two glasses of Chardonnay. "Here you go," Sandi said, handing one glass to Danny. "Cheers."

Danny stood, accepted the glass. They tapped. "Cheers." Standing there, within a minute he drank a third of the glass. He didn't know what to say. Why do I feel this way?

Sandi sipped his wine. Danny asked him, "So, um, what's going on? Alan didn't tell me about a party."

"Oh, he must have. This has been in the works for a month. You're the first to arrive, you're early, actually, it's called for 12 but everyone comes late, you know. Brunch barbecue, come as you are."

"What do you do? I take it you're not in school?"

"School? Hah. No thanks. A little too old for school. I'm an artist. I do sculpture. Although you can't make a living from that alone. I also do some writing. Technical writing, to support myself. The key is independence. I don't sit in an office doing as I'm told. I accept jobs under contract."

Danny felt uncomfortable. "Where do you live?"

"Two blocks from here." Danny felt Sandi's eyes on him.

"How do you know Alan?"

"Well that's going back a while. I met Alan the day he moved in. Almost two years ago. I happened to be walking home, he was outside in the rain with a rented van full of all kinds of things, trying to unload it alone. I introduced myself, helped him get everything in the house that day. We've been friends since."

"So, um, did you live here?"

"Oh no. Alan and I decided it would be better that way. We were together for a time. We're still good friends of course. How do you find university? I hear the standards are falling off. Admitting almost anyone, easier to get high grades. They're under pressure from the government to be less picky about who they admit, who graduates. Oh, your glass is already empty."

He picked up the bottle and filled Danny's glass even as Danny was thinking, no more, no more. Too polite to say anything, he watched. I won't drink much more. I need to go home.

"This is a wonderful French wine, this Chardonnay, I buy it all the time. It's hard to get decent wines in this country. They don't import all that much, and what they do bring in is overrated and overpriced. A few decent wines come from B.C. and California. Ontario wines are pathetic, of course, the powers that be won't import European vines, still selling that awful musky stuff they make from the native grapes. Amazing the cheap wine they get away with selling. Between you and me, it's the Anglo establishment government and some of those minorities, you know who, the ones they partner with, they control the liquor business together and don't care what they sell because most people will drink just about anything." Sandi's eyes were fixed on Danny's torso.

"Minorities? No, I don't know. Who?" He felt the anger. Some kind of leering lecher? A hater? He stood, walked to the big bay window, gazed out at the street, feigning interest in a large tree. Can't stand this guy. I'd like to punch him and leave. He turned to put his glass down.

With a final glance at Danny's backside, Sandi scurried back to the kitchen. "Sorry, Danny, excuse me, food prep to finish. Everyone will be here before you know it."

Danny looked at his watch. 11:30. Alan, where are you? Time is moving so slowly.

He returned to the couch and sat. Sipped more wine. Thought about leaving. They were supposed to spend the day and night together, hike along Lake Ontario, maybe jog a bit down in the Beaches.

Within the next little while, a few early people arrived, introductions were made, the names soon dissolved in a blank corner of Danny's mind, tentative chatting. Danny still sipping introduced himself to one pair of guys, maybe late 20's too. He listened to conversations.

He wandered into the kitchen and placed his empty wine glass in the sink. Sandi was making sandwiches. "Sandi, I think I'll go. Tell Alan I was here."

"What? Oh, no my dear, please, be patient, he'll be back soon, he just went to the supermarket down on Queen Street I think, to find a few more steaks for the barbecue. Alan can be a little absent-minded sometimes, he works too hard, he forgot about the barbecue until I showed up here at nine this morning, he thought it was next week. Didn't he phone you? Don't leave, you don't want to disappoint him, he was looking forward to seeing you. Come with me, I'll introduce you around. Where's your wine glass, I'll open another bottle, we have some really nice wines I think you'll like."

He decided to temporize, didn't want to appear the way he felt, like a snubbed young misfit stomping out. He followed Sandi back to the living room, looked around at the slim young guys in tight shorts drinking wine or beer, feeling like a kid in a strange candy store, slightly tumescent, look but not too much looking at any one item. His anger drained away as the wine made headway. Sandi collects beautiful friends, he thought, gazing at one and then another, becoming aroused.

"Here," said Sandi, handing him another glass of wine, "this is from Tuscany. It's not quite as dry, has a lovely character."

"Oh." He sipped the wine. It tasted a little different. Took another taste. His head felt funny. All these guys know each other, he thought, I don't know anyone. Glanced at his watch? How long have I been here? An hour, almost? Where's Alan? Who cares? Having fun now…

There was more activity, Sandi was back at the front door. Danny drained the glass in his hand and put it down. He stood. Mmm, this is nice. Wow. Never felt like this. A bit off, dizzy. Must be the alcohol. Too much wine, think I'm drunk. Hah! This is fun. How many have I had? Never been drunk before. Huh, I like this.

He sat down again feeling relaxed. This isn't so bad after all. Looked around, picked up a book. ALGOL 68. Computer stuff? He opened it to a random page. BYTES, CHAR, COMPL, INT, REAL, SEMA, STRING, VOID, CHANNEL, FILE, FORMAT, STRUCT. What's this, some kind of espionage code system? Alan's a spy, better call the FBI. Or is it the CIA? No, it's the RCMP, this is Canada, right? I need a toilet.

He knew the layout. Stood and walked to the back of the house and turned the corner, shaky like in a dream. Mmm, wine is fun. Outside the bathroom he paused. Pee, yes, that's right. Need to pee. Hmm, I like this. Stupid drunk, be careful, don't do anything I wouldn't do. Where is it? He opened a door. No, that's a closet. There. The bathroom door was open, he walked in, closed it behind him. I should go home. Alan's not interested in me. I've been here an hour, where is he? He stood over the toilet feeling annoyed, began urinating.

The door opened, someone stepped inside, closed it. He heard the lock click. He glanced behind him. Sandi. Oh. Sandi moved up very close behind him. He felt the warm taut body pressing against his backside. A whisper in his ear, "Danny sweetheart, relax and listen. Drop your pants, darling. It will only take a few minutes, you'll love this, just between us. Not a word to Alan, not to anyone. Just me and you. Our secret, no one else. I can't believe how I'm attracted to you, you're a magnet. How about it? You're a beautiful boy. I'd like to get to know you."

His face flushed, hot. His heart jumped, he was twitching down there, his dick had finished peeing, still in his hand it engorged almost instantly, I can't do this, mustn't, too much wine. Yes I can, Alan's not coming, so… serve him right. He flushed the toilet, unbuttoned the top of his jeans leaving them open, began the habitual washing of hands. Alan's fault, leaves me here with this guy. He felt hands inside his jeans, gently tugging them down. And the skin-tight blue briefs he bought just for Alan, hands inside them, warm fingers lightly caressed his buttocks, oh, oh, his heart was pounding, hands slowly grazing the backs of his thighs, pulling the briefs toward his feet.

"Step out of them," Sandi whispered. He lifted each foot. Feeling himself naked waist down but for his socks, heart thumping, face flushed, dizzy, he bent forward to steady himself over the sink as he dried his hands with the towel.

Sandi's arms around him beneath his T, pulled it over his head and off leaving him naked, fingers grazed his nipples, sweeping lower across his belly and bum, fingers at his butt, Danny mumbled "Um, listen, you got me off balance, too much to drink, I don't think I…"

Sandi's warm mouth and tongue softly up against his ear, licking, hands wrapped around and taking him in hand as he whispered to Danny "This is just for you, sweetheart, just relax, go with me on this, this is all for you, our secret. Ooh, this is so big, so beautiful. That's right, beautiful boy, just for you, my getting acquainted present to a beautiful boy, I just want to show you how much I appreciate you. I want a piece of you, and I know you want me to take you, don't you."

His insides quivered. "Fuck me," he whispered, "please…" then turned his head and ran his tongue lightly along the side of Sandi's face. Their lips touched softly… "please…"

Danny felt the hand between his buttocks and another on his cock.

Sandi shivered. Softly, "Bend over, sweetheart. I'll be slow and gentle. You just stay quiet, we don't wanna make any noise."

Sandi fiddled with something, Danny felt the warm hand deep between his butt cheeks. Some seconds later he felt oily fingers, a slight penetration of slick fingers past the sphincter, a little, then deeper, hurt a tad but that subsided. The hands held his butt cheeks, gently caressing, squeezing while a tongue licked the right side of his neck and ear. He heard a zipper unzip, a rustling, he glanced behind as he reached back. Big, he felt it, feels fat, he caressed it, ooh. He turned around, was on his knees, it was soon in his mouth, he sucked and tongued it. After some seconds…

"Get up," Sandi ordered.

He stood again swaying a bit, turned his back again and bent forward resting his forearms across the sink for balance, felt the hands exploring. The fuck began very slowly, the tip well lubed while the hands explored back and front, the big cock edged forward half an inch, pulling back a bit, letting Danny sample him, taking the boy slowly, sliding back in a touch, slipping out, then the pain of insertion as it popped just inside the sphincter, held there a long time while the hands wandered back to the front, and soon the cock was inched slowly inexorably in with slow, soft nudges like a sleek lubed piston edging its way in until after a long while it was all in, pubes grazing his bare butt, the guy's balls tapping his own, then a slow slow withdrawal all the way, then nudging back in, in, in, and out, out, in and out, penetrating full into his depth, out, then in, and out, slowly slowly slowly. Where did this guy learn to fuck? he wondered, he's talented. His prostate sparkled and zinged in response to each grazing thrust, it gradually accelerated, Danny, gasping, felt a hand cupping his scrotum give a squeeze while the other hand stroked him and the cock slipped and slid now more rapidly in, out, in, out, smack, smack, smack accelerating, he was starting to sweat and pushing back, breathing faster, smack, smack, smack, sparkle and zing, and after a long while he felt his balls retracting, his hands braced on the wall as he pushed and shoved back and forth and back and forth at the fucking piston that slammed in out in out and in short order he's screeching and gasping through his closed mouth as milking fingers squeezed and barging cock thrusted him to the heights of ecstasy, the sky opened, crying through pursed lips and lungfuls of air he ejaculated his fat load of semen one ahhh, two ahh, three ahh, four ah, five, a few more ecstatic little spasms into the grasping hand, running dry while the stroking continued through the last sparks of a gorgeous dying orgasm, he's gasping for breath, he feels Sandi gasping thrusting and spraying his insides gripping him tightly to himself gasping grunting thudding in and out, in and out of him, grunting… and then the aftermath leaning on the wall breathing deep, Sandi still in him, slightly stroking, stroking, stroking. Finally, stops. Breathing hard, leaning into him, kissing his neck, licking, grunting. Withdraws, emptiness and it's over but for a trickle of semen slightly leaking.

Whew. He let go of the wall, turned to Sandi, they hugged. He buried his face in Sandi's neck. Wow.

Sandi stood back. Wordlessly reached around Danny for water, efficiently wiped his big dick, towelled it dry, buttoning his pants. Danny, flushed, needed something to do, turned back toward the sink, all naked, looked in the mirror, naked, his face pink. He reached for toilet tissue, wiped up the trickle, flushed it down. Ran some water, bent over to wash his face and hands. Wiped his dick. Sandi caressed his bare bum patting the leakage, whispering, "You have the most beautiful buns. I'd love to do more with you. I can take you to heaven. I'll give you my phone number later, call me, we'll get together. No one has to know but us. This is our secret. I'll take you to heaven."

"Remember sweetheart, just between us, no one else. You better get dressed. Take your time, wait 'til you feel normal before you come out of here. I'll go first and tap three times when the coast is clear for you."

Sandi left the washroom, seconds later three taps.

Danny's reflection in the mirror, naked, alone. He bent, pulled up his briefs, then his pants, pulled on his T, buckled everything. He imagined tawdry secret trysts in a city nest, long nights of intense…

He opened the door and followed, no one saw. He returned to the living room. No place to sit. Sandi brought him another wine glass. He sipped a little. His face felt hot, his head a little heavy.

He heard a voice and looked up. Alan coming through the door, both arms holding large paper bags of food from a grocery, talking to one of the guests. Danny stood and walked over. Alan looked up, their eyes met. Danny felt awash in guilt, couldn't look…

Alan said to his guest, "Oh, excuse me." He turned to face Danny.

"Hi."

Danny looked away. "Sorry, I'm a bit too much drink I think."

Alan took him by the elbow and guided him to the kitchen where they could be alone. He placed the parcel on a counter.

"I'm so sorry about all this. I see you've been drinking, it's okay. I forgot I told Sandi a month ago we could do this today. He hasn't much room at his place so I said he could make his barbecue here. Most of these guys are his friends. I know most of them too. I forgot about today and didn't have enough food so I had to run out, the store was very busy."

"Okay. You and Sandi know each other pretty well."

"Oh yes. He's the guy I mentioned to you, I lived with for a short time. It lasted a few weeks. I couldn't take him any longer than that. Sandi's a good guy but doesn't stop chattering. And always ready to jump into bed with the next pretty face he meets. So he moved back to his own place, lives a couple blocks from here."

So many people here, Danny thought, this is his social life I didn't know about. The trouble with jumping into bed with someone on the first date, I guess, you don't know who he really is. Only what he's shown you. Later on, more of him shows up and you discover… this big world you haven't seen, a different kind of life, your lover's a little different than you thought, or maybe a lot different.

"Um, you want me to stay? Should I hang around?"

"Yes! Look, I realize you don't know anyone, see if you can make the best of it. Don't drink too much, though. You look like you've had a couple already. You need to eat, there'll be steaks and hamburgers in about a half hour, so maybe go walk around the area for the little while if you can't find anyone to talk to. Okay?"

"Yeah, that's an idea. I'll walk around the neighbourhood for a while first, I like looking at the houses. You go socialize, I'll be back soon."

"Thanks."

Alan, holding Danny's shoulders, leaned in and kissed him, a long, fierce kiss Danny felt deeply, some of the anxiety draining away. No embarrassment here, he realized, in this house surrounded by a world of gay men I'm safe to kiss Alan. He felt nothing from the kiss, not a surprise, he'd just exploded a few minutes ago, still coming down. A quick, hesitant look into Alan's eyes one last time, then with a smile he turned and was out the door walking in the sun along the sidewalk, gazing at the narrow Victorian homes that lined the tree-laden old street. Good thing he could get away for a while, Alan might pick up on something.

Too much too soon? he wondered. Feel almost like I've been raped, but in an enjoyable way. No, can't be right, rape must be horrible. Wanted to leave, not what I'd expected. Sandi. Shit, who would have guessed. All that wine. Get his number, or did he already give it? I can go there for fun any time I like. A series of nice narrow romantic interludes just the two of us. What about Alan? I can do both. Keep them separate. I'm not in love like I was with Kenny or like I feel about Gray. I mean, I like Alan a lot, I have feelings for him and the sex is fantastic. He's a good man, alone and facing a new life, needs a boyfriend like me. And now Sandi, that was so hot. Am I being melodramatic again? Getting carried away? Too much wine…

One of the homes distracted him. Stunning in the sunlight, shiny gingerbread trim etched in shadow along the eaves. Large, blond stained wood front veranda. Patterned brickwork. Iron railings. Roof looks like it's made of slate tiles. Wish I could see inside. Even the garden is pretty…

The wine seemed to lift a bit, he felt a little better but thirsty, hot. Sexually satisfied. Amazing how he milked me.

When he got back, there were maybe 20 guys in the house, most in pairs. Danny headed to the bathroom to pee again, and drank lots of water from the tap.

Alan worked the barbecue, covered with steaks and hamburgers. "Having fun?" Alan asked.

"Sure."

Later, Sandi took him aside, handed him a slip of paper. "Here's my number. Call me. Do you have time to drop by one day this week?"

"Um, sure, I'll make time. I don't start work until later this month. This is just between us, right?"

"That's what I said. Don't forget that, okay?"

"Yes, of course. I can keep secrets."

Sandi winked at him. "You have delectable lips. I can't wait to kiss them."

He surreptitiously reached around Danny, gently fondling his bum. "Go, doll, see you soon."

Yes, he'd promised Sandi to keep the episode to himself. He would have to hide it from Alan. He remained a little annoyed at Alan for springing this surprise on him. His annoyance encouraged him in his concealment. Justifiable betrayal. It was rationalization and Danny knew it but he didn't much care. The sex was beyond his experience, he'd never felt that way. Submissiveness. He'd bottomed for Kenny and Alan but never truly understood its allure until now.

He felt part of the scene now, or was that just the alcohol? For the first time he somehow felt part of something secret and sexual. The way confident boys back in high school, accepted as part of the dating scene, could confidentially brag of their conquests as part of their shared camaraderie. Playing with Sandi would put his relationship with Alan at risk, he knew that, but still… Of course it was furtive, even clandestine—it formed a new web of secrecy inside a larger one. Yet in the corners of his mind it seemed acceptable.

Out front of the house, Alan had his arm around the shoulder of a late arrival. The new guest looked familiar to Danny. I know him.

"Hey Danny," called Alan, "I want you to meet someone. This is my friend Drew Stockman, we go back to my university days. Drew, that's Danny."

Danny recognized the man immediately. Oh, it's… "Hi, Mr. Stockman. You probably don't remember me. I'm in your English tutorial at the university. For Professor Engelhardt."

"Yes I recognized you Danny, I was going to say hello. It's Drew, by the way."

"That's a nice coincidence," said Alan. "So you know each other through school."

"Yes, I was in Mr. Stockman's, Drew's, tutorial this year. Modern English lit. One of my favourite subjects."

They chatted for a short while. Then Danny told Alan he was going to leave.

Alan said, "Danny, don't leave yet. Drew, go on in, I'll be there in a minute."

He turned back to Danny. "I wish you wouldn't go. I'm really sorry about this. I don't know how I forgot about it but I did, it's all my fault. Can't you stay after the party? That way we still have tonight together."

"I had too much to drink, I'm not feeling well now, how about I call you tomorrow. I think that would be best for now. I've never felt this way, I had too much to drink. I should go home, I don't want to get sick here. I'm really sorry, Alan. Sandi kept giving me one glass of wine after another and I'm not used to it, I should've stopped but I never… I'm really sorry, I've never felt like this before, I feel sick, sorry."

"Well, um, okay. Alright, I guess I'll call you in the morning. Are you sure you can drive?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay. See ya."

"Uh, Danny, did Sandi say something to you?"

Danny looked at the ground, then back, he felt tired. Looking back down while digging his keys from his pocket he replied, "Uh, he told me you had to go buy some stuff."

He walked around the car to the driver's door, unlocked it. Once in the car, he started the engine, pulled out of the parking space and drove off. What a liar, he thought, now what will you do? You never should have let him do that to you. You could have just gone for a walk until Alan came home. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Mindful of his condition, he drove home slowly, carefully, trying not to think. Watch the road, he kept telling himself. His head ached, he felt tired.

At home he shed his clothes, stepped into the bathroom. In the shower he stood letting the hot water pour onto him.

He turned it off, soaped himself all over, rinsed, soaped again. He turned the water back on, it was cool, he rinsed quickly. You were enthralled. Most of that was alcohol and a thrill ride. Know what you really feel? Guilty. Being used felt like playing at rape. You were raped, it wasn't really your fault, why feel guilty? Admit it, you were used and you liked it. Submitted like a whore and liked it. Kenny, I miss you so bad. Kenny's through with me. Alan left me in the hands of a rapist. I'm fucked. I'm dirty.

He found a towel and began drying himself. Playing at rape? Rapist? You must be mad. It's nothing like rape. Rape is heinous, abhorrent. You can't play at rape. You knew what you were doing. What are you, a child? Alan couldn't trust you alone for one hour? What the hell is wrong with you?

It wasn't love, but he didn't care. He didn't love either of them. Did he really understand what love feels like? he wondered.

It was mid afternoon. He crawled naked into bed and closed his eyes, thinking of Kenny. The hell with Kenny. Didn't this cloud have a silver lining? You discovered a social order you knew little about until now, right? Like the explorers of old.

Fuck off, Danny. You think you were initiated into secret rites of Toronto's gay world? Gay guys at a neighbourhood barbecue? For once you weren't the isolated, shunned freak who straight guys and bullies were secretly laughing at? Don't be ridiculous. You were a stranger. You didn't feel comfortable until the alcohol took hold.

Then Sandi used you to get his rocks off. You liked that, didn't you? Being used, you liked it, felt you deserved it. How he expertly manipulated your body and mind and feelings, like a concert pianist.

Afterward you left to sober up, had lunch, said bye to Alan while effectively lying to his face. You lied to a guy you're very close to, who trusts you, who did nothing to deserve it. You went through that police shit with him that night at the park, together. You're happy about what you've just done to him? He didn't want to think about the word but couldn't avoid it. Betrayal.

He heard a knock. The door opening. Mary's voice. "Danny, wake up, mom says to tell you it's almost time for dinner."

He opened his eyes. He'd been sleeping, naked, half dreaming. The blanket was down at his waist. He didn't care. "Hi Mary. Sorry, I'm not feeling well. Tell mom I'm sorry, maybe later." He turned away and closed his eyes. His head was pounding. She left the room.

But he couldn't sleep any longer. He left the bed, pulled on socks, underwear, his jeans, T-shirt, a sweater. Found aspirin in the bathroom and swallowed two with water.

He walked to the kitchen hands in pockets. "Hi," he said.

They were sitting down to eat. "You feeling better?" asked Barbara.

"Yes, a little. I think I was just tired, didn't sleep well last night."

She set a place for him, he thanked her. He made himself a cup of tea, then sat down. He removed a slip of paper from his pocket. 'Sandi,' with a phone number. Oh yeah. He slid it back, sat and ate. With food in his stomach, he felt better afterward.

He awoke the next morning still thinking about it. Why did I like it? That feeling when he snagged me, held me in place, no resistance, jammed against my back in that closet of a toilet, smoothly whispering to me what he was about to do. All I had to do was surrender. Too much wine, felt so nice, he reeled me in.

He felt aroused by the memory as he lay in bed. He already yearned for more.

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