The Move
Chapter 2
By Doug Smith
I went by Scott's room to say goodnight. He was sleeping on his bed but still had his clothes on. He actually made me smile. Scott's young innocence always made me feel better. He would be eight years old in a few weeks. I wished I could go back to those days.
I sat on his bed and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey buddy, it's time to get ready for bed. We both have school tomorrow and you need a good night's sleep."
He opened his eyes and smiled. His bright eyes looking up at me.
"Hi, Dan. I didn't think you'd remember to say good night. I thought you were mad at me."
I could feel tears in my eyes as I leaned down to give him a hug. I loved Scott. He was a pain sometimes but he was a great kid. We had a good relationship.
"No Scott, I'm not mad at you. I couldn't be mad at you. I love you. I was just feeling sad again. I'm sorry."
He put his arms around me. It felt so good holding each other. There was definitely nothing sexual about it. After all he was my little brother. It just felt good to hold someone I cared about. If only it could be Aaron.
"I'm glad you're not mad at me. Things are going to be okay here. You'll see."
"I hope so Scott. I'm just glad you're here to make me feel better. Now let's get you ready for bed. We have school tomorrow."
"Okay Dan, I love you."
"I love you too little guy. Now go brush your teeth."
I squeezed him tighter against me. We stayed that way for a few seconds before he got out of bed and put on his pajamas. After he went to the bathroom I tucked him in, gave him another hug, and rubbed his head.
"Good night buddy. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Good night Dan."
I do love him. I enjoy teaching him the things big brothers teach little brothers. He has such a bubbly personality, always happy and smiling. He and I have the special bond brothers have or at least should have. While he doesn't understand exactly how I feel he does know something is wrong and it upsets him. He is always trying to make me feel better and telling me things would be okay. His love is pure and unconditional. I watched him for a couple minutes before going back to my room.
'The innocence of youth,' I thought. Everything is always so simple when you're young. It's only when you grow up and get hit with a curve that the innocence fades away.
"I hope you hang onto it for a very long time Scott," I said to my empty room.
I stripped down to my boxer briefs and went to take care of things in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror as I brushed my teeth and checked out my chest and abs. Even though I wasn't practicing karate I was running and that kept me in good shape. I liked the body I saw in the mirror. From the neck down I looked really good and I wanted to keep it that way, just as Aaron liked. From the neck up there was emptiness, empty eyes and a mind similarly devoid of emotion. The doctors call it depression. I call it a broken heart.
I climbed into bed and thought about my life. I didn't even feel like jerking off. I rarely felt like it any more which must mean I'm crazy. What sixteen year old doesn't want to jerk off? Instead I thought about what my father had said. Could he be right? I knew my feelings for Aaron were real but I had never looked at other boys the same way, not really. Sure, I admired hot guys but I also admired hot girls. I had dated girls but it was only as friends. I even had sex with a girl back home. It wasn't a disaster but I was thinking of Aaron when I did it.
I know we shouldn't have done it but Aaron and I both wanted to experience it once. We decided to double date and go back to my house when my parents were away with Scott. We had pre-planned it and wanted to do it at the same time. Maybe it wasn't right and I should feel guilty but it's not like the girls weren't willing. We both did it. We actually did more with the girls than we ever did with each other since we had decided to wait before we did certain things..
As soon as we finished we took the girls home, came back and took a long hot shower. Then we climbed into bed. We laughed at how we felt. Both of us admitted we thought about each other while we were with the girls and both of us confirmed we were more into each other than them.
We had both worried about that. I was sure I was more attracted to Aaron but what if he decided he really did like girls? What would I do then? He said he worried about the same thing. Fortunately neither of us had anything to worry about.
The thing is I had done it and it wasn't that bad. It wasn't like being with Aaron but it was okay. Maybe I could like it. Maybe my father was right. Maybe my love for Aaron didn't mean I'm gay. Maybe the right girl would make me feel like he did. Could I connect with a girl like I had with Aaron? I knew I'd date here even if it was only as friends. I had dated before so people wouldn't know about me and Aaron, at least before people found out. Maybe I really should keep an open mind.
I sighed when I looked at Aaron's picture beside my bed. It was a picture of us in running shorts without shirts. His pictures were the first thing I had unpacked. I kept one on my nightstand and one on my desk. Man, what a body he had. I also saw his shit eating grin and could practically hear him say - "Who are you kidding?"
I also wondered what it meant to move on. How does a gay sixteen year old find someone? Especially a gay sixtenn year old who doesn't advertise that he is gay. A few friends back home knew about me but in general not many people did. I wasn't in the GSA. Maybe it was because I had Aaron but none of those kids seemed like the type of guys I'd want to hang out with.
There was Colt. He was obviously gay. He'd been after me since Aaron died but he was only looking for sex. He never tried to become friends or want to hang out. He'd just make suggestions that we get together and have a 'good time'. Unfortunately, he'd have a 'good time' with most anyone and that wasn't what I wanted.
For some reason I was thinking about the time Aaron and I found out how we both felt. It was probably because it happened right before school started a couple years ago and I'm starting school again tomorrow. We were fourteen at the time. He'd come over to spend the night like usual. All summer we had slept over at each other's house. Almost every night. Our parents pretty much assumed we'd be at one house or the other together.
That night we watched a movie and played video games before bed. We watched a stupid karate move, Sidekicks with Jonathon Brandis and Chuck Norris. It was a dumb movie but I always thought Jonathon Brandis was hot. I loved watching him in reruns of Seaquest DSV. It was too bad how he died. Suicide isn't the answer to anything. I know. I tried, but that's another story.
After the movie we went upstairs to play video games. It was a pretty normal night. We just played games and joked around. It was fun. At least it was until Aaron mentioned Debbie Wainwright. He said he'd seen her at the mall and that she had really matured over the summer.
"She has a nice rack this year," he smiled.
He never talked like that but I knew sooner or later he'd become interested in girls. It had to happen didn't it? Well, I guess it didn't have to but I assumed it would. I didn't think it was going to happen for me but assumed it happened sooner or later for most teenage guys.
He seemed so excited about seeing Debbie. The more he talked the worse I felt. I saw all the fantasies I ever had evaporate. I tried to act happy. At least on the outside. I felt like shit on the inside.
"You going to go after her?"
"Don't know, maybe. How about you? You going after anyone this year?"
"I don't know. Just let me know who you're after. I wouldn't want to take someone away from you with my superior looks," I said trying to smile. "You're my best bud. I wouldn't want to steal the one girl who might actually see something in you."
"Fuck you," he laughed. "I think I'll be able to hold my own."
"I know you can hold your own. I've seen you do it. You'll probably still be holding it a lot in the future too."
"Maybe I'll find someone who will do it for me."
I wanted to jump up and say "Me Aaron, I'll do it for you." but instead said "Tell you what. Let's divide the alphabet. You can have the 'M's' through the 'Z's' and I'll take the 'A's through the 'L's'. That way you can have Debbie Wainwright. Consider her my present to you."
"I don't think she'd like that. Besides, maybe I want the 'A's through 'L's'. That would give me Cynthia Cartwright. She's pretty hot too, don't you think?"
I faked a smile. "Yeah, she's hot too but with our looks and stellar personalities we should be able to get whoever we want."
"Yeah," he laughed. "We're really a couple of studs. The girls better watch out this year."
The more we talked the worse I felt. I knew this day was coming but I had hoped it would be later rather than sooner. Why couldn't he have waited until sophomore year, or senior year I thought to myself.
"You want to jerk off before bed? You must be pretty horny talking about Debbie. We could find some videos online. My parents are already in bed. It'll be okay as long as we're quiet."
"I don't know Dan. Maybe we shouldn't do that any more. We're going to high school next week. What would people say if they knew? I've been thinking we may not want to sleep together so much either."
"What? Who is going to know? I thought you liked it."
"I do or I did. It's just different. Don't you think sleeping together is a little gay? If kids found out we wouldn't hear the end of it. I don't want to deal with that."
"You worry too much. We're just friends."
"Dan, we don't even use sleeping bags. We sleep in your bed or mine in our underwear. We jerk off together. I'm just saying maybe we shouldn't."
"We could use sleeping bags if you want."
I didn't like the idea but it was better than nothing. That sick feeling in my stomach was getting bigger by the minute. Until then I had always held out hope my fantasies about Aaron could happen. I knew they probably wouldn't but I could always hope couldn't I? I thought I was prepared for this conversation. I knew it was coming. I told myself I would be the loyal friend when the day came and Aaron became interested in girls. I'd be the best friend I could even though I was miserable. It looks like that day was here and while I thought I was prepared, I wasn't.
"That's not the point. I'm just saying .."
"Look, it's okay. I understand. We're growing up. We're not little kids any more. Next week we start high school. It's not like it will be that much different but if you think so then whatever. It's just another school year. What's the big deal about high school? It's not like we're gay, right? We're just friends, best friends I thought. All I know is that I'm tired and I'm going to bed. You want me to get the sleeping bag out of the closet or do you want me to sleep on the floor? There's no way I'm going to let you sleep on the floor."
"No, of course not. Please don't be mad. I just thought we should talk about this, that's all."
"I'm not mad. This must have been bothering you for a while. You wouldn't just come up with it out of the blue. I'm sure it was hard to bring up but I really think you're making a big deal about nothing. I'm sorry. Let's sleep on it. Things will work out. We're still best buds, right?"
"Yeah, of course."
I'm not sure I was convinced but didn't say anything else. Aaron did sleep in my bed but he stayed as far away as he could. It wasn't like we slept wrapped up in each other's arms but we never minded bumping into each other either. Tonight he tried to get as far away as possible. 'Hopefully this isn't a sign of things to come,' I thought as I laid facing away from him so he wouldn't see the tears running down my face. I didn't want him to see how upset I was. I couldn't if I was going to be the loyal friend.
Aaron was sound asleep but all I could do was lay there with my eyes wide open. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be his friend and it wouldn't matter but I feel like I'm loosing him. If I told him I was afraid he'd hate me. I couldn't take that. If I didn't tell him then I'd be miserable. I don't think I could take that either, not if it means feeling like I do now. I can't stand to think of him with Debbie Wainwright or Cynthia Cartwright or anyone.
I know I should be happy for him and I actually am. He's my friend. I want the best for him. Liking girls will allow him to fit in better in high school. In life for that matter. It's just going to be hard to watch.
I felt like I was going to be sick. I went to the bathroom to take a piss and collect myself. Good thing my parents weren't awake because they would have known something was wrong. I looked like shit. The eyes I saw looking at me in the mirror were red and bloodshot. 'Should I tell him? '
Maybe he'd accept me feeling this way about him I mean he's never said anything bad against gays. Maybe keeping it a secret is what is making me feel this way. This is the only thing I've never been able to tell him. I could tell him how I felt. If he cared about me he'd understand. Maybe I couldn't have him but maybe we could still be friends. I could make it clear I'd never try anything with him.
I should trust him. We've been friends forever. I know if it was him then I'd want to know. I wouldn't want him to feel like this. I'd probably even help him find someone. The problem is I don't want 'someone'. I want him. I don't think about other guys. Yeah, I've looked at guys in the locker room but nobody compares to Aaron, at least to me. Sure, some guys are cute but then again Debbie Wainwright is cute. I can see why he likes her.
I watched him sleep when I went back to my room. I couldn't bring myself to get back in bed. I had to think of how to tell him. He'd understand. We're friends, best friends. If I couldn't tell him then who could I tell?
I grabbed the bedspread he'd kicked off and laid down on the floor. I watched him in my bed. His chest was going up and down so peacefully and every once in a while he'd move and make a cute sound. I wanted to run over and throw my arms around him. I wanted to hold him and tell him how much I loved him.
I didn't know how I was going to tell him. I laid there wide awake just like I had been before getting out of bed. Eventually I rolled over and tried going to sleep only to lay there with all kinds of thoughts going through my head. I jumped when I felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder.
"Dan? What's wrong? Why are you sleeping on the floor?"
"Nothing, go back to sleep. I'm okay."
"Right, you always sleep on the floor. Come back to bed."
"I can't. I'm sorry Aaron. I can't. I thought I could but I can't."
"Huh?? What do you mean you can't? Why can't you come back to bed?"
He sat down beside me. He crotch was right in my face. That certainly didn't help anything. I looked but then sat up facing him. My eyes were red.
He reached out and put his hand on my arm. I loved when he touched me. He had always made me feel good with just a touch. If he only knew just how good he made me feel.
"Dan, what's wrong?"
"I love you Aaron."
Dan, I love you too. You know that. Tell me what's wrong."
"That's what's wrong. I love you and I don't want to lose you."
"What?? What do you mean lose me? You're not going to lose me. We're best friends."
"I can't do it Aaron. I thought I could but I can't."
"Do what? You're not making any sense."
"Aaron, I love you. I always have."
"I know you do. We've been friends all our lives. I'll always be here for you."
"Not when you're with Debbie or Cynthia."
"Huh? What do they have to do with this?"
"Aaron... Don't you get it. I .. love .. you. You're going to be going out with Debbie or Cynthia or whomever and we won't be together. I understand that. I know you don't look at me the way I look at you. I thought I could deal with it and I'll try. I really want to be there for you, to be your friend. I knew this would happen sooner or later. It had to. It's just so sudden. Up until tonight I'd always held out hope. I'm sorry Aaron. Go back to bed. Please don't hate me."
He sat there watching my face as I told him how I felt. I had tears running down my cheeks.
"Dan... shut up."
"I knew you'd hate me."
He smiled. "Dan, I don't hate you. Listen to me... You're an idiot... We're both idiots."
"What are you talking about?"
"I've heard you say you love me so many times but I never really heard you. You never heard me either. I always thought you meant you loved me as a friend. I hope I'm not wrong here," he said leaning forward and putting his lips against mine.
"I love you too Dan. I always have. I don't want Debbie or Cynthia or anyone else. I want you. I've always wanted you."
"What? I don't understand. Tonight, all you talked about was Debbie. You said you didn't want to sleep together any more."
He stood up and took my hand. "Come back to bed Dan. Let's talk. By the way, you seemed to like the idea of Cynthia."
"I just said that because I couldn't say how I really feel."
"That's the problem. I only said all that stuff because I couldn't tell you. I thought we're going to high school and I was trying to prepare myself for when we wouldn't be together. That's why we're idiots. It looks like we've both been keeping this inside. We should have trusted each other."
"I'm sorry Aaron. I was afraid I'd lose you."
"I was too Dan. No matter how much you told me you loved me I thought I'd lose you if I told you the truth... Are you ready to come back to bed now?"
We climbed back into bed. This time Aaron didn't move towards the edge. We both migrated to the middle. We didn't know what to do. We were both nervous.
"Now what?" I asked.
"I don't know. I never thought of this possibility. I always thought the worst."
"Me too. I don't know what I want or what to do. I know I want to make you happy. I... "
"You do. You make me really happy. Especially right now. I want to make you happy too. Do you want me to ah, you know, do some of the stuff we've seen online? I mean, you know, like the girls in those movies do? I will if you want. I'll do that for you."
The way he said it sent a shiver down my spine. "Aaron, don't talk like that. I don't know what I want but I do know I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I also don't want you to do anything 'like a girl'."
"I just meant..."
"I know. It's just that whenever I've thought of us together, I mean together together it's always been us. I never fantasized about one of us being a girl."
"Me neither and I didn't mean it like that. I just want to make you happy. I don't really know what to do either. I know how I feel but I can't describe it. I know we're best friends but those are just words. It's what I feel inside. Nobody else makes me feel this way. I'm so excited. My heart is pounding. I just want to make you happy so tell me Dan .. what will make you happy? I want to do it."
I put my hand on his. "Aaron, you do make me happy. I'm happy you feel the way you do because I feel exactly the same. I love you. I will do anything for you. You're happiness is the most important thing in the world to me."
He slid closer and wrapped his arms around me. "Hold me Dan. I want to feel you against me. "
"Oh Aaron, I've fantasized about this for so long. I never thought it would happen."
"Me too. I can't believe how it feels. I can feel your heart beating. It's like our hearts are pounding together."
"Feels like something else is throbbing too," I smiled holding him.
"No more than yours. It feels good. Your chest feels warm against mine but that feels hot."
"And hard," I chuckled.
He put his lips over mine again, kissing me passionately or as passionately as a fourteen year old can. "I love you Dan Johnson. I always have and I always will."
"Right back at you Aaron Michaels. Always."
We spent the next few minutes kissing and exploring. We were both tentative. I remember wondering how he'd react to new things. He told me later that he felt the same way. He was worried he'd scare me away. We did become more relaxed but it was still pretty awkward and clumsy. It was special though. It was peaceful and quiet. We were alone in my room and everyone else in the house was asleep. The only sounds were our kisses and whispers.
We didn't do anything except kiss and cuddle that night. Aaron tensed up and pulled away after a few minutes of kissing and rubbing together.
"What's the matter?"
"If we don't stop I'm going to cum."
I smiled and pulled him against me. "So what? I'm really close too. I don't want to because I don't want this to end but I don't want to let you go either."
"It'll make a mess."
"Hold on," I said. "I'll be right back."
I ran across the hall and grabbed a towel. I didn't even think that I was just in my boxer briefs and my cock was rock hard stretching the fabric. It might not have been as big as it is now but it was pretty obvious. Fortunately everyone really was asleep.
I went back to my room and told Aaron to move so I could put the towel on the bed. Then I stepped out of my boxer briefs before kneeling on the bed. Aaron looked directly at my crotch.
"Take off your underwear, unless you need help," I smiled reaching for them.
"I can do it but you can do it if you want," he said and lifted his hips to help. His cock popped straight up when it was freed.
"I've always loved that you're not circumcised. I've always wanted to feel your foreskin."
"Go ahead," he said. "Just be careful. It won't take much for me to shoot all over your hand."
I smiled and slid his foreskin over his head.
"I should thank your parents," I smiled.
"Don't you dare."
"I won't. They might take my new toy away from me."
"Is that what I am? Your toy?"
"Yup," I said laying back down. "And you're the best toy I've ever had."
"Just remember to take care of your toys and they'll last a long time."
"Don't worry about that. I plan to."
I smiled as we resumed kissing. This time our cocks weren't separated by cloth and they rubbed together as we moved.
"Oh Dan .. I'm going to cum. Are you sure?"
"Just let it happen Aaron. I need it too. Let's try to cum at the same time."
We didn't quite make it but it was close. Aaron moaned and I felt warm, sticky liquid between our stomachs. I don't think he could have held me any tighter. It was like he was trying to pull me inside him. That was all it took for me to add to the mess between us. I didn't care. I was holding him as tight as he held me and my entire body was shaking. That moment was so intense.
When it was over we just laid together without moving.
"Wow!!" I said. "That was fantastic."
"I can't believe we did that. I never thought I could feel so good. It felt good. It's kind of scary too... I'm worried."
"What are you worried about?"
"What if people find out? Our parents? Our friends? What else do you want to do? We're only fourteen. Aren't we too young? I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"What do you mean ruin our friendship?"
"I could easily get addicted to this. I know I want to do more but don't know what you want. I like our friendship the way it is too. I don't want that to change."
"Slow down. Okay? We'll figure it out... together. Nobody has to know and we won't let it change things. If it does it'll be for the better. "
That first time with Aaron wasn't perfect sex-wise but it was perfect in other ways.. Holding him and kissing him was fantastic. We didn't do anything else. We just cuddled. It was a dream come true. When I held him I felt my whole body tingle from head to toe. I couldn't get enough of him.
I don't know if I had fallen asleep or had just been daydreaming. Regardless, my hand was on my crotch and my boxer briefs were soaked. I knew I had been thinking of Aaron since it's the only way I've been able to cum since the accident.
"Oh Aaron, I miss you so much."
I got up to change my underwear and take a piss. It was well after midnight and I had school in the morning. I definitely wasn't looking forward to it.
I fell asleep but tossed and turned all night. I remember seeing each hour roll by on the clock. The last number I remembered was 4:00 AM.
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