As They Say
by D K Daniels
Entry 33
Mender Of Wounds
4th July 1991
I am still fuming about Carl. I mean what the actual fuck. Now I have nobody to hang around with other than Ross. Well Conner is okay I suppose; only I don't possess much in common with him. We are good friends, and all, except I, forever find it odd when I'm speaking to him? It's like we're becoming friends all over again, while at the same time were not as strong as what Eli and Carl are regarding the bond considering how long I know him. I guess both Eli and Carl are my best of friends. Therefore, I'm unsure how I ended up at the juncture I'm currently at. I never intended to be here in the first place. Who would want to be in this shithole of a situation?
I apologise for my language; it's only I'm frickin' annoyed, can you understand. Why am I so misrepresented? I didn't imply anything by it; if someone saw what I'm writing in here that would be adequate evidence to state that I'm genuinely sorry. As a way of getting my mind off of what is happing with Carl, Eli and Thomas… sigh… never mind. I hope I don't fuck things up with Ross otherwise I'll tie cinder blocks to my ankles and jump in the local canal. Well, that was dramatic… I won't take the plunge just to clear that up. That is something I'd say out loud to someone to stop them from leaving me. Perhaps it would work, or maybe not. If it works then at least, I preceded in saving a friend.
As opposed to the stupid bickering going on between the lads and me, Ross and I went to see the movie Robin Hood The Prince Of Thieves. I have to say I enjoyed the movie far more than I did than the other film recently with Thomas. Possibly it was the fact that Ross was there and it wasn't Thomas. All along I could have secretly wanted Ross to be present at the Naked Gun movie, than Thomas. Maybe it's not Thomas's fault; merely my infatuation with Ross that has caused me to be a little more standoffish as per say. When all I want is Ross; why would I try and get to know anybody else that way when I'm focused on him. That makes sense to me, or at least it does to me. If it doesn't make sense to anybody else well… fuck em.
I'm not usually one for romance type movies, plus I have no idea why I picked it. I assumed the film was going to have loads of blood and guts but no… it was a love story for crying out loud. The funny part was not from the fact that we were about the only boys in the theatre at the time but that something deep down made me want to be close to Ross. The sensation housed in my chest felt magical.
Eventually, I got up to go the bathroom. I handed over the popcorn to Ross who munched away uncontrollably as if it were normal. Man can he put away some volume of food I'll tell you that much. Though as I was saying, I scampered to the toilet; went to a cubicle and bolted the door shut behind me. I held this sudden surge of panic erupting in me. It was as if I needed to impress Ross further than I had already done so. By the time I left the cubicle and made my way to the sink bank, I was obsessed with fixing my hair; making sure there was nothing caught in my teeth, and that I didn't stink of sweat.
When I returned to my seat; even though I liked the movie and tried to watch it, I couldn't calm my nerves down. In the back of my head, all the problems with the boys surfaced. I refused to let it ruin the moment. Alternatively, I decided to stop eating the popcorn in case in the off-chance Ross would want to hold my hand, and in return I wanted my hand to be clean. It got to the point that I had my arm up on the armrest, palm up so that he would notice. I so badly wanted to hold his hand, and well… it eventually happened.
I guessed when I glanced across at him nervously Ross asked, "you okay… you look tense." I was like 'Yeah no shit…'
Though Ross was adorable at the moment and my heart mellowed. I small sitting in the seat beside him. I mean god he's gorgeous. Therefore I asked earnestly, "can I… Can I hold your hand?"
Ross discontinued eating with his left hand rubbed it fiercely against his jeans and then offer up his hand. Ross even dressed up to for the movie. I have no idea why he got all prettied up on account of me; it was just a quick idea of going to the movies.
When he went next door to ask his grandmother, he arrived back at my house in a new pair of clothes. I didn't change as such. I fixed my hair sure, brushed my teeth… checked my face and made sure there was no further addition of zits or pimples.
The two of us interlocked the both of our hands quiet secretly in the cinema. Ross's arm slipped off onto my side of the armrest, and our two hands remained joined in the shadows of the movie auditorium. Our hands rested on my knee until the credits rolled and the lights came up. The moment; or the fear of being exposed shot through the both of our minds instantly and we both broke it off as the adjusted light engulfed the room. Part resentment flooded in after we were forced to break it off; sigh...
Once we made it home; the two of us were a little bashful to continue anything further. Though when we parted ways for dinner, Ross glanced left and then right before issuing me with a peck on my cheek. His face flushed and then he took off up the path to his house. All along at the dinner table, I kept replaying the events in my head, and then the notion formed. 'I'd do anything to make Ross happy.' I guess the truth was a little scarier than I first thought because after I had my moment of contemplation, I began to think about the boys and how we are not talking. It would mean the world to mean if they turned up for Ross's party which I still have to organise so perhaps tomorrow I should make amends. Anyway- night.
5th July 1991
I have no idea how I should respond right about now. I mean… sigh. My secret is not a secret anymore, well to Eli. I possess no inkling why I gave him that part of me. I believed coming straight… and I don't mean ironically. I mean be upfront about why I turned down his sister would be a valid excuse as to why I said what I said.
When I turned up at his property; Eli was in his front garden. Furthermore, he was with another group of boys in his front yard. All along as I walked ahead, I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was afraid okay; not for just the danger I had gotten myself into, but there was four of them and only one of me. If Eli decided to pounce, then I wouldn't have had a chance. So, as I was saying I cautiously made my way up his driveway and Eli was playing with a paintball gun and a tire with the group of lads. In all honesty when I called out to him and when he saw that it was me. The smile that had been on his face turned to almost rage. Eli aimed the gun at me, and not at my body but my face.
At the moment I was contemplating that I had fucked up; that I would be coming home without an eyeball from the hospital. Though thankfully It didn't go that way. I taste the stale bitterness in the air between the both of us or mainly him. The other boys didn't say anything as much. I didn't revert my attention to them; I kept it on Eli who had a fucking paintball gun aimed at me. I could feel the panic brewing inside and work its way out.
Eli gravelly said, "what the fuck are doing here…?" He gripped the gun tightly compacted like a tactical agent would carry his weapon and placed air canister in the small of his shoulder.
All I could think of to say was, "please… Don't shoot me, please. I came here to make things right." In conjunction with my response, I lifted both my hands out in front: more so as a shield that in the unforeseen events that Eli did fire the weapon that it didn't hit my face. I lifted my hands up to my eyes trying to protect the most delicate.
I could feel guilt and partial sick about to upchuck. My breathing became erratic, and I drew breath quicker and more frequent. The power of my legs was beginning to go, and I was quite sure that Eli was going to kill me for the mistake I made.
As always Eli was never the fighting type. Of course, he was ready for it, however considering we've known each other so long. I don't think I would have gotten away with it as lightly as I did if I were a stranger. Instead, Eli lowered the gun and said, "I don't want you here. Now can you fuck off."
I tried pressing the further. I even took a step toward Eli; though Eli lifted his paintball gun up again and aimed it at my chest this time. "Don't make me use it. Walk away; I don't want to know you."
The despair of helplessness ran through me. After Eli said, that defied everything I knew so I merely turned and retreated down his driveway. I was more relieved that he didn't shoot me. Though on the up chance he could have, I wished the paintball gun were a real one earlier after I had gone. When I left his house, I wandered for a bit in confusion. Following a bit of mindless walking I began to cry, soon later I couldn't breathe. I have no idea what happened to me. Except I had to sit on the side of the road on a small drift of gravel as hyphenating drove over me like a steamroller. It took time for me to calm down. Plus when I did, I couldn't believe that he turned a gun on me. Though I was still determined to make things better, so instead of going home, of all places I thought I would have gone I stopped, at Thomas.
It felt nice. Thomas happened to be there for me which is more than I have done for him. He listened to me for an entire hour and a half bitching on about the situation over at Eli's. Not once did I mention about me being gay, however. I discussed the problem with Eli and how I let down Emma harshly and how sorry I am about it. Thomas in a weird way was comforting to me this evening. To close up the moment: do you know what Thomas said after I said that Emma doesn't get it. He said, "Just tell them your secret."
I was wondering what he meant by a secret. Of course, I'm no idiot. I knew he was talking about my gayness. Consequently, when I asked, "Secret?" In question.
Thomas just batted his eyelids, let a small smile bestow his face, and he repeated it, "your secret." Somehow the two of us plainly locked eyes for a moment and then awkwardly tore our interest away from each other to elsewhere. So, with that in mind, I gave Thomas the benefit of the doubt, and I apologised to him again. Though when I did it, he did go a little funny, so I believed it was best to skedaddle.
Wasting no time, I cycled all the way back to Eli, and from their I found him sifting through a box in his shed. When I knocked, his mother seemed oblivious to us fighting. So she said he was in the shed, and that's where I went. I secretly hoped and prayed that he'd be there: unarmed and without anyone. When I stepped in the door, Eli hunched over a box on the floor. Then I called him. Eli looked up dumbly at first, and then his face turned to confusion as to why I had come back.
"Why are you back?" Eli spat.
To which I said, "I have something to tell you…"
Eli, glanced at me for a moment as if he were half waiting for me to say what I came here yet again to state. At the same time, it appeared that Eli was attempting to keep up the act he was putting on. Then he said, "can you just leav…."
That's when I nervously cut him off and blurted out, "I'm gay… I'm gay…"
A surge of panic made me buckle at the knees, and my breathe ceased functioning. "That's… that's why I turned down your sister. Tears began to gather in my tear ducts. Then my breathing had utterly gone on strike. All I wanted to do was keel over, and regret everything I had said. Therefore, Eli stood up from the box he was rummaging through with a screwdriver in his hand and marched over to me, my heart fluttered…' This is it... I'm going to die.
(Shit… dinner is ready. My mam has been calling me for the last couple of minutes. It has gotten to the point that she came up and grumpily called me by my full name. I'll finish the writing after dinner. Sorry… ugh... I was on a roll too... I'm doing it again. I need to get checked; talking to a diary is not healthy.)
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