What a difference a day makes
by c m
Chapter 2
I'm zoned out on the car journey back from the airport. My mind is full of Ben, but in a happy way. I relive the moment we met - and every moment that followed. By the time we reach the house I'm feeling altogether more positive.
Mum and Dad order in a Chinese take-away for dinner. They include my two favourite dishes. I find myself wondering if Ben likes Chinese. We've arranged to chat online later; I'll try and remember to ask him. I check my watch. Still another hour or so until Ben will be home. I decide to write down a list of all the things I love about him. Then I decide to put it in an email to him. Something he can read and keep.
I go up to my room and fire up my iPad.
Writing the email is easy. The words just seem to tumble out of me.
Two weeks ago I'd have agonised over something like this. Gone back over it to check the words. But not now. I read it through once and hit 'send'.
Less than a minute later my iPad pings. There's an email from Ben.
I'm shaking slightly as I bring up the app. And then there he is. Smiling at me on my screen. Ben.
He blows me a kiss.
Two hours go by in a flash. We laugh and joke. We tell each other how much we love each other. It turns out that he loves Chinese food too. We do some stuff I'm not going to talk about - I'm not saying any more. But when I go to bed, it's with Ben's face and his body in my head and it's Ben I dream about.
In the morning, there's an email from him.
A warm glow spreads through me. I can't wait to chat with him again.
Hi, my name is Abe. Yes, the Abe who was Ben's boyfriend. I'm not sure if I should be popping up in this story like this but, well, here I am. I'm just beginning to realise what a terrible mistake I've made. Sure, the sexual experiences I had in Israel were amazing at the time, and I've been having a lot of fun with Nicky, the boy from school I've been sleeping with since I got back…but…I miss what I had with Ben.
On holiday it was a bit different; what I did with Reuben and Moshe and David just felt like fun; breaking the chains and just having uninhibited, no strings sex with each of them. Sometimes all of us at once. But sex was all it was. A holiday fling. And now with Nicky it's becoming the same. I'd seen him giving me the eye when I was with Ben and he couldn't get me into bed fast enough once he learned I was keen to explore. But he's completely passive, and while it was exciting at first it's not satisfying. Not like with Ben. And we have virtually nothing in common – other than being gay. And it wasn't like that with Ben.. He and I were friends long before we were lovers. I miss him. I want to try and put things right between us – if he'll let me. I want him back as my boyfriend. I hope he'll forgive me. I think he got back from holiday yesterday. I'll go round and see him.
I've had a bit of a lie-in. It's nearly ten o'clock and I've only just finished showering and I'm walking back into my room with my towel round my waist. My iPad pings. I hope it's what I think it is. It is. And as I open Facetime, there's Ben.
'Hi gorgeous. Hmm…apart from the towel, I see you're dressed just as I like you.' He grins.
I open the towel and wiggle my bits at him.
'You're making me hungry,' he laughs.
I retie the towel and sit down at the desk. We're just about to start chatting when I see Ben turn round.
'Something up?' I ask.
'I think someone's coming up the stairs,' says Ben.
On the screen, I can hear the tap on Ben's bedroom door. It opens and I can see someone. He has black curly hair.
'Abe!' I hear Ben say, 'what are you doing here?'
'Please Ben,' says the figure, 'can we talk?'
Abe. Ben's ex. What's he doing there?
'Umm…I'm just chatting with someone right now, Abe.'
'Really? Who's that?'
The figure moves closer until he's standing behind Ben. I can see him clearly now. He's very good-looking. My stomach turns over.
'Toby,' says Ben, 'would you mind if I deal with this? I'll be back in a few.'
'Sure, Ben,' I hear myself say, 'I'll be here waiting.'
'Cool. Love you.'
He blows me a kiss and then the connection closes.
I'm shaking.
'So who's that, Ben?' I ask.
'That's Toby. I met him on holiday.'
'Cool. He looks kind of cute,' I say.
'He is. Very cute. And lovely.'
'You two obviously got on very well.'
'Yup. Sure did.'
'Look Ben…I've come here to apologise. I've been very, very stupid and behaved very badly. But I miss you, Ben. I want us to be friends again. More than friends. I want things to go back to how they were. I know I don't deserve it, but…please?'
'Bored with Nicky, I take it?'
I hang my head.
'Like I said, I've been very stupid. I guess sometimes you don't know what you want until you throw it away. I love you, Ben. None of the people I've…been with…comes close to you. I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me?'
I can see emotions flickering across Ben's face in rapid succession. Finally he speaks.
'I'm sorry, Abe, but it's not that simple. Yes, I forgive you. Yes, I'd like to be friends again. But no, I don't want to be your boyfriend. I can't. I have a boyfriend. If you want us to be friends, you'll have to accept that.'
'You have a boyfriend? You mean…that boy…the one on screen? The one wearing only a towel? The one you met on holiday?'
'Toby. Yes.'
'But…you've barely known each other more than a few days. I don't blame you for having a holiday fling, but…'
He cuts me off.
'You don't blame me? How very good of you. Look, Abe, I love Toby more than you can possibly understand. Sure he's cute – cute as hell – but he's so much more. He's kind, funny, clever, open and honest. We fit together like we're made for each other. I'm sorry. I know that this isn't what you want to hear. But it's the truth. And I meant what I said…I'd love to be friends again. I do like you, Abe, and I value what we had…but that part of what we were is in the past and you'll have to accept that. We can be friends – good friends, I hope - but that's all we can be.'
It's hard to describe my feelings. Relief that he wants to be friends. Then disbelief that he has a boyfriend. Then anger and bitterness. But I want him back. And I'm not just going to lie down and accept what he says about…Toby. But I can't change that if we're not talking. So let's start with being friends again.
'Sorry…I guess I'm just surprised at the speed things have happened. But yes, l accept it, and yes, I want to be friends.'
I hold out my hand. Ben shakes it. Then he gets up and embraces me.
'It's good to have you back as a friend, Abe. And Toby's coming to stay in a few days' time, so you'll have a chance to get to know him better. I'm sure you'll like him.'
I'm pretty sure that I won't, I think to myself. But what I say is,
'I'll look forward to meeting him.'
I give Ben a quick hug back. God it feels so good to have him in my arms again – if only briefly.
'Look…I'll leave you two to talk. Catch you later?'
'Sure, Abe. I'll give you a call.'
It seems like forever, but in fact it's probably no more than ten minutes before my Ipad pings again. Ben's back.
'Hiya. Sorry about that., Toby. He wanted to kiss and make up. Well, make up anyway. He apologised for his behaviour. He wanted things to go back to how they were. I told him that that wasn't possible. That I have you, now. But that I was happy to be friends again if he could accept that.'
A wave of relief floods over me.
'He was really OK with knowing you and I are boyfriends?'
'So he said. Look, Toby, you have nothing to fear from Abe. I love you with all my heart. And deep down, Abe is a nice guy – I'm sure you'll like him. He wants to meet you when you come to stay. To have you as my boyfriend and have Abe as a friend is the best of all worlds for me. Is that OK?'
My insecure little heart is still worried. But I know Ben loves me, and I want him to be happy. If being friends with Abe is what he wants, then I want it too. And maybe he's right – perhaps Abe and I will become good friends too.
'Of course it's fine, Ben. I'll look forward to meeting him. And…he's quite cute isn't he?'
'Yes, he is. Not in your league, but definitely cute. Just don't go falling for him.'
'Not a chance, Ben. It's only you that I want.'
'Any part of me in particular?' He asks with a mischievous smile.
'No,' I say, carelessly. But he can see my grin.
'Like this bit, for instance?'
He stands up and drops his shorts. He's erect. God, I wish I was there to take care of it.
Ten minutes later we close the link. We then both go and flush a wad of sticky tissues down our respective toilets.
The day to visit Ben finally arrives. I wake up long before usual; I'm excited and I can't sleep. I shower, dress and then pack a bag - and realise that it's still not yet 8 in the morning. Paul has said that he'll drive me to Ben's, but there's still no sound from his bedroom. Time seems to crawl. By 9, I've had breakfast. Finally I hear sounds of movement from Paul's room. He emerges, tousle-haired and yawning, and disappears into the bathroom. I can hear the shower running. Fifteen minutes later he's downstairs and pouring himself a bowl of cereal. He looks across at me sitting there ready and waiting.
'Keen to be off, Tobes?'
'Yes. Sorry. Couldn't sleep.'
I see Paul smile.
'OK. Let me finish this and then we'll go. Will it be OK to arrive so early?'
I nod. 'Yes…they're expecting me any time after 10.'
'Can't wait, huh?'
'You bet.'
Paul's got a five-year old VW Polo that my parents bought him once he'd learned to drive. I put my bag on the back seat, put the postcode into the satnav and we're off. The journey is entirely uneventful and an hour later we pull into the drive of a nice, modern detached house in a cul-de-sac that contains five other houses that are similar but not quite identical. I see Ben's face appear at an upstairs window. His face cracks into a huge smile and seconds later the front door opens and he's running towards me. I open my arms and catch him as he jumps into them. We kiss – and I catch sight of a curly-haired head at an upstairs window.
'Toby – so good to see you. Come on in. Can you stay for a coffee, Paul?'
Paul nods, and we head inside. As we go I ask,
'Got company?'
'Oh yes. Sorry. Abe's here. All a bit unexpected. He just appeared about twenty minutes ago. He said he couldn't wait to meet you - but he's promised to leave us on our own once he's said hello.'
'Cool.'
Ben was out of the room like a shot when he heard the car on the drive. Maybe I shouldn't have come. But I want to know what I'm up against. I don't bear this…Toby…any ill-will but I want Ben back. I can see two boys getting out of the car. I recognise Toby from Facetime, and I guess the other one is his brother. Ben's just leapt into Toby's arms. Guess this isn't going to be easy. But…oh wow…his brother – if that's who it is - is sexy as hell. Or looks it from up here anyway. Time to go and say hello, I guess.
Ben takes my hand and leads me into the kitchen. It's a big, open-plan room. On the far side are patio doors through which I can see a modest but well-maintained garden with a little summer-house at the bottom of it. Paul follows us. I hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs and there he is. Abe. Ben's ex. He's even better looking in the flesh than he looked online. Ben puts an arm round my shoulder. It's as if he knows I feel threatened – even though I know I don't need to feel like that.
'Toby…let me introduce Abe. Abe, Toby.'
We shake hands. I can see the look of curiosity in his eyes. As if he's wondering how Ben can have fallen for me…or maybe it's something else entirely. I feel as though I'm being sized up. He gives my hand a squeeze and smiles.
'Pleased to meet you, Toby.'
'You too, Abe.'
Abe lets go of my hand and turns to Paul. His smile broadens.
'Hi. I'm Abe and you must be…Toby's brother?'
'Hi. Yes. Paul. Pleased to meet you.'
They shake hands too – and I notice that Abe holds the shake that fraction longer than is necessary. Paul doesn't seem to mind. In fact they are holding each other's gaze steadily.
'Look,' says Abe, turning to me and Ben,'if you two want to…say hello properly…I'll make Paul coffee.'
Ben and I look at each other. We definitely want to say hello properly. And it's a kind gesture by Abe. The act of a friend.
'Thanks,' says Ben, 'if that's OK with you. We'll…see you in a few.'
Abe and Paul are both smiling at us. We turn and head upstairs.
Ben leads me into his bedroom. He shuts the door behind us and then his arms are round me and his lips are on mine.
'God I've missed you, Toby.'
'You too Ben.'
He breaks the kiss and drops to his knees. His hands fumble with my belt and zip and then he's tugging my cock out. He wraps his lips around it and I'm in heaven. I've been dreaming of this for a week and it doesn't take long for me to reach my climax. We change places and I return the favour. He feels and tastes wonderful. Our immediate urges satisfied, we catch our breath.
'Now that's what I call saying hello properly,' Ben says.
We both stifle a laugh and head back downstairs. Of Paul and Abe there is no sign.
'Wow. Where have they gone?' says Ben, puzzled.
I notice that the patio doors are open a crack.
'Perhaps they went outside. It's a lovely day, maybe they've taken their coffee outside?'
'Could be. Hold on, I'll make us one and then we'll go and take a look.'
A Ben busies himself with the coffee machine, I open the patio doors wider and step out onto the terrace. Then I notice the door of the summer house open, and Paul emerges. He's adjusting his shirt. He looks up and sees me. I see a shadow briefly flicker across his face, and then he waves at me.
'Hi Tobes. Feeling better?'
He laughs. But it sounded just a little forced, And loud. And then Abe appears behind him.
They walk up towards me.
'Abe was just showing me the summer house. It's lovely. You should take a look.'
'I'll ask Ben to show me round in a bit.'
Abe walks past me and gives me a smile. He hasn't noticed the two small round, wet marks on his shirt. They could be coffee. But I don't think they are. Not that it has anything to do with me. Indeed, if Abe fancies my brother, that's one less thing for me to worry about. But it's a bit of a surprise about Paul. Or maybe it isn't. Sex is sex, I guess.
I feel a nudge on my arm.
'Hello? Toby? Anyone there?'
I come to with a jerk.
'Sorry, I was miles away. Mmm…coffee, thank you.'
'Look guys,' says Paul, 'I ought to head back. Thanks for the coffee. I'll be back in a week. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.'
'Well, unless you just turned gay, I think we'll probably be doing a lot of things you wouldn't do,' I say.
Ben almost sprays coffee everywhere.
'I ought to go too,' says Abe, 'and Paul's offered me a lift home. Catch you around Toby. See you soon, Ben.'
They give each other a gentle hug. I do the same with Paul, but while I have my arms round him, I whisper in his ear,
'Have fun with Abe.'
I see the look in his eyes. Then he recovers.
'Hey, sex is sex little bro,' he whispers.
We grin at each other.
I was right. Paul is sexy as fuck. I'm sure Ben said he was straight, but that look he's giving me…I make him coffee and suggest we drink it outside. As he walks ahead of me through the doors, I brush my arm across his and then let it run down his back. He doesn't react, but he doesn't object either. I tell him that there are chairs in the summer house. We walk down to it and I open the door. Once inside, he's just standing there, looking at me. That's the trouble with straight boys, they either don't know what they want or they're afraid to ask for it. I put my coffee down and hold out my hand for Paul's cup. The moment of truth. He lets me take it.
'Paul,' I say, 'I don't know if you're gay or not, but I think you are sexy as hell. And even if you're straight, I'd love to give you a blow job – if you'd like that.'
A little smile crosses his lips.
'I'd like that very much, Abe. Yes, I have girlfriend but…well…seeing Ben and Tobes together on holiday, I figure I might be a little bit bi.'
'Only one way to find out', I say.
I kneel in front of him and undo his belt, button and zip. His trousers fall to the floor, revealing a pair of briefs that are straining to contain their clearly very hard contents. I hook my fingers in the sides and pull them down. His cock springs out. God, he's enormous. His balls are heavy in my hand as I ease back his foreskin and wrap my lips round the head. I start to slide my mouth up and own on him. I feel his hands grasp my hair and then he's taking control, thrusting in and out. When he comes, it's urgent and copious, but I think I manage to keep it all in my mouth as I swallow every last drop. Only when he starts to soften do I reluctantly release him.
'That was amazing; thank you,' he says.
'I be happy to go again – if you could manage it…unless you want to…'
'Suck you?'
I can see him contemplating it.
'Maybe another time. If you'd like another time, that is.'
'Oh yes, I'd definitely like another time.'
I've been fondling him, trying to get him hard again, and I can feel him slowly start to restiffen.
'Abe, I'd love to go again, but we need to get back to the house. They'll be down any moment. Look…maybe we could…how about I give you a lift home and maybe…'
I smile.
'Love your thinking. Folks are out at work. We could have…lots more fun back at my place..'
'Great. Love to if you would.'
'Sounds like a plan.'
Paul quickly pulls up his briefs and trousers and steps outside. Then I hear him call out to his brother. Shit. We've been too long. Never mind. Brass it out. They have no reason to think Paul and I have been doing…what we've been doing.
We both walk back up the house. I smile at Toby. If only he knew.
As we drink our coffee, I tell Ben about what I saw and what Paul said to me.
'Really?! Wow. Well, I hope they have fun. Anything that means you and I get to be left alone is fine by me.'
'Where does Abe live,' I ask.
'Maybe five minutes' drive away. Ten or so on a bike. Why?'
'Well, I know it's not really any of our business, but I wouldn't half like to know if Paul has actually headed home. I mean, if we were to see his car was on Abe's drive….'
'You are very wicked,' smiles Ben, 'but…why not?'
We grin at each other.
Ben takes me round to the garage. He says I can use his dad's bike. We set off at a gentle pace. It takes nearer fifteen minutes to reach the road where Abe lives. And there's Paul's Polo; not on the drive, but parked on the road outside the house. Ben and I high five and leave them to it. Good for Paul, I think.
That evening I phone home to let them know I've arrived safely and that all is well. I ask if Paul is back, and they say that he has phoned to say that he's on his way, but had stopped off to see some friends.
Yeah right.
Later still I phone Paul.
'So…how was it?'
'How was what?'
'C'mon bro…I know. We saw your car outside Abe's place. Now…how was it?'
'OK. So I'm busted. Since you ask, it was bloody marvellous. He's like an oversexed rabbit. Just wanted to keep doing it.'
'Do what? Come on, don't be shy, tell Toby all about it…'
'Pervert.'
'Yes, and…'
'We had oral. But what he really wanted was me inside him. So that's what we did. Several times. I mean, you know, because I've told you, that I've had Sarah that way, but this…this was way better. I don't know why, but it just was.'
'And did you return the favour?'
'Did I let him fuck me? No way. I may be bi but I'm not up for that.'
'And oral?'
It all went quiet.
'Well…umm…yes. It seemed rude not to after all the pleasure he'd give me. Oh, who am I kidding. I wanted to try it.'
'And…?'
'Yeah...it was fine.'
'You two going to meet up again?'
'Yes. I think so. But it's complicated. part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. I need to sort out my head. I mean, I still really like Sarah, but I really like Abe too. But he's your age Tobes. I mean…that sort of feels wrong.'
'Why? I mean, he's perfectly legal. And if you both want it and both enjoy it then…I mean, you can't help your feelings. If you really like each other then, why not? Provided you're both honest about your feelings. I mean, if it's 'just sex' for you then that's fine provided it's the same for him. If it's more than that for him, then it's complicated. And you'll still have to work out if that's fair on Sarah, I guess. Look, you're the big brother, you should be giving me advice, not the other way round.'
'But you're the one who knows more about…boys. And thanks, Toby. You talked a lot of sense. Unusually for you….'
But I can hear the smile in his voice as he says it.
'That's OK. Aunty Toby's Problem Line is available any time…'
'Cheeky sod. Hey, love you little bro.'
'You too, Paul. See you in a week.'
I kill the call.
So...my big bro is bi. Maybe.
I had the best time with Paul today. He was great in bed, but more than that he was funny and just plain nice. So different from the boys in Israel. If Toby is like him, I can see why Ben fell for him. I really like Paul but I don't know how he feels about me. What he wants. He said he has a girlfriend, and that this was the first time he had been with a boy. But I think he's discovering his true nature. Just sex with him would be OK, I suppose…but I'd really like more. He's older than me, and I really like that too. So were the boys in Israel…even if, looking back, I can see that I was probably just a toy for them. But it truly didn't feel like that with Paul. Part of me still wants Ben back, but if I could have Paul, then…oh well, he said he'd call me. I hope he does.
Mr. and Mrs. Meredith – that's Ben's parents – make me feel very welcome when they come home from work. She sets to preparing dinner. Lasagne. I'm almost drooling at the thought; I'm hungry. After we'd cycled past Abe's place, Ben and I had done quite a long cycle ride. We'd visited another of his friends, Christian, who got us playing Fast & Furious. I thought I was quite good but Chris was just amazing, and then we just sat and chatted and Ben told Chris all about how we'd met and how we were boyfriends. Chris, who has a mop of the fairest blond hair I've ever seen, had just smiled and said he was happy for us. He was so nice. I hope my friends will be like that when I come out to them. I've decided that I want to be open about who and what I am - and about Ben. I'm proud of having him as my boyfriend - and I don't want to pretend otherwise.
Time just flies by, and suddenly it's time to head back; and so here we are, in the kitchen, with his Mum making dinner and then Ben comes over and kisses me, just like that, in front of his mum.
'C'mon Toby, I think we need a shower before dinner.'
I see his Mum try to hide a half-smile.
'Go freshen up, boys. Dinner will be in an hour, so no rush.'
At the top of the stairs, Ben grabs two towels from the airing cupboard and then leads me into the bathroom.
'Bath or shower?' he asks.
I never normally take a bath, but the idea of spending some time in the water with Ben seems too good to miss.
'Let's take a bath.'
He smiles.
'Goody…I was hoping you'd say that.'
He turns the water on full, adjusts the temperature, and squirts in some gel that makes the water turn blue and go foamy. While it fills, he puts his arms round my neck and leans I until his nose is just about touching mine.
'I love you, Toby Miller, and while a little bit of fun in the bath will most definitely be in order, I want us to mostly save ourselves for tonight. Would that be OK?'
'I love you too, Ben Meredith and despite my most earnest desire to drain every last drop of cum from your body, I am prepared to concede that leaving room for manoeuvre later is a sound plan.'
We both start laughing, and then I undress him. He's hard – well, of course he is - and then he undresses me - and I am as stiff as a board too. The bath is nicely full and we both step in at opposite ends. The taps are on the side of the bath, so we both get to have a tap-free end. We slide down into the hot, foamy water. We arrange our legs so that we each have a foot in the other's groin. His cock is deliciously hard against the sole of my foot, and I can feel him wiggling his toes against my balls.
We smile stupidly at each other and enjoy the sensation of the hot water easing the stiffness out of our joints. We gently jack each other off with our feet. We take our time. There is no rush. Waves of pleasure wash through me. Ben is squeaking with pleasure too.
I can feel my climax coming. I take hold of Ben's foot and remove it from my cock.
'Wait 'til later?' I ask.
'I suppose so. How come you have such iron self-control?'
'I don't. But I know that what we'll be doing later is going to be even better.'
'And what will we be doing later?' he asks with a grin.
'I have every intention of sucking you and fucking you until you beg for mercy. Stroking will probably be involved too and definitely lots of kissing. Other options will also be considered.'
'I see. Well, in that case, I can but agree. But in the interests of mutual understanding and satisfaction, it's my duty to warn you that reciprocal arrangements will also be undertaken.'
'Are these negotiable?'
'I'm afraid not.'
'Then I reluctantly concede.'
We're both smiling at each other, and Ben leans forward and kisses me.
'You make me so happy, Toby.'
'Likewise.'
We reluctantly force ourselves out of the bath. As we dry ourselves, the smell of baking lasagne drifts up the stairs. My stomach gives an anticipatory rumble.
The lasagne turns out to be every bit as good as it smelt. I have two helpings. So does Ben. After dinner we watch some tv but our minds are on each other, and by ten o'clock we are cuddled up naked in bed with each other. Ben asks me to enter him.
I make love to him slowly. He's making little mewing sounds as I slide gently in and out of him. He asks me to go faster and deeper and the sounds he makes change to deeper grunts and groans. I love being able to give him such pleasure. And when the moment comes, I can feel his finger nails digging into my back as I explode inside him.
'Oh God, Toby, that felt so good. Want to change places?'
His eyes are boring into mine. He can read me like a book. I see a shadow pass across his face.
'You do enjoy…being inside me…don't you?'
I kiss him on the nose.
'I love making you happy,' I say.
'Hmmm…I'm not sure that's quite the same thing…'
'I'm very happy being inside you, Ben. It feels great…'
There's a pause. Then his head falls back on the pillow.
'Of course. Silly me. It's that you don't really like it the other way round.'
I hang my head. 'Why didn't you say, Toby? And it's absolutely fine. Remember what I said to you on holiday? If it's only you in me, that's fine. We don't have to do it the other way round.'
'I'm sorry Ben…I mean, I love all the other stuff we do. It's just…I don't feel…what you obviously feel.'
I feel so bad. So guilty. And what I really want is to please him. I realise I'm being selfish.
'Look, it's not terrible or anything. If you want to be inside me I'd really like that.'
He hugs me.
'Oh Toby, you're so sweet. But I know you don't mean it. It's important that we're honest with each other; that we tell each other what we like and what we don't like. I mean, the idea of being tied up or something like that would just plain scare me.'
'Tied up? Who's tied up?'
Ben looks at me. 'You really have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? It's so lovely. Look, some people get a thrill out of being tied up during sex. I find the idea scary so what I'm saying is that just suppose you were into the whole tying up thing, I'd just tell you I wasn't. Love isn't about doing whatever the other person wants, it's about being honest with each other and finding mutual pleasures. And we have plenty of those.'
He grins. I grin back.
'So…would you like me...inside you...again?' I ask.
'I would. But I'd like it even more if you used that wonderful mouth of yours on me first.'
'Slave driver.'
We both start giggling.
'See? It's fun to tell each other what we want.'
And that's what we spend the rest of the night doing. Telling each other what we want and then doing it. We have a long lie-in in the morning. More sex is out of the question, but we enjoy just holding each other close.
The week passes all too quickly. I meet more of Ben's friends, and Christian, Abe, Ben and I go ten pin bowling one afternoon. I ask Christian if he feels uncomfortable being with three gay boys. He just laughs.
'No way,' he says, 'it just leaves all the girls for me. There's nothing camp or girly about any of you – and you're really nice. You're all fun to be with. What does where you want to put your cock have to do with anything? Not that I'd refuse a bj if you offered me one, I mean, you're dead cute.' But he says this with a smile.
'If I wasn't with Ben, I'd offer you one,' I say with an equally broad smile.
'When you two have finished chatting each other up,' says Ben, 'it's your turn, Chris.'
Chris picks up a ball and takes two steps with it. As he's about to release it I say, loudly,
'I meant it about the blow job.'
His head jerks up and the ball flies ignominiously down the side channel. Everyone is hooting with laughter. Including Chris. I like Ben's friends.
Another afternoon, we all four go swimming in the local lido. I prefer these outdoor pools – less smell of chemicals. And it means I get to see Abe naked. And Christian. Abe is clearly as unashamedly interested in what I have between my legs as I am with him. We look, we glance up at each other, and we smile. Chris clearly has no inhibitions, stripping naked before pulling up his swimmers and taking them off again before showering afterwards. He has a good body. His pubes are almost as blond as his hair. He also turns out to be almost as good at swimming as he is at Fast & Furious.
On our last night, I am determined to try taking Ben inside me again. I just know he really wants it and I also know he will never say so. I get him on his back and use my tongue to lick my way all the way down from his lips to his groin. Then, before he can say anything or stop me, I straddle him.
'What are you doing, Toby? Please – I know you don't want this.'
'Actually, Ben, ' I say, 'I really do. I want to try again. I want you in me, Ben. I want to feel you feel me with your seed.'
I can see the hesitancy in his eyes. But I can also see the desire. I take a good squirt of gel and get us both thoroughly slick. I take hold of him and guide the tip to my hole. As slowly and gently as I can, I lower myself onto him. It is, at worst, uncomfortable. But to my surprise it doesn't really hurt. And then he's fully inside me and I'm bouncing gently up and down on him. To my amazement, discomfort slowly turns into something that is altogether more enjoyable. I also feel myself hardening. Ben takes hold of me and strokes me in time with my movements up and down. Little waves of pleasure start to flow through me. Ben groans.
'This is incredible, Toby…but I can't hold it back much longer.'
'Then don't. Just do it, Ben…fill me.'
And, seconds later, he does. I feel him kick and buck inside me. It feels good. Very good. I don't want to let him out of me, but as he softens, I roll over and he plops out. I just lie there beside him.
'Wow, Toby…that was amazing. I hope it didn't hurt you too much.'
'Hardly at all, Ben. I enjoyed it. Truly. And I'm so looking forward to us being able to ask each other for anything and everything now.'
He kisses me.
'Well, in that case, could I ask you to lie back and let me do the same to you.'
'Sounds like a plan.'
What follows is all a bit like our last night on holiday – except that this time I'm not going to see Ben for at least a month.
Later, as we lie there, satisfied, Ben asks me,
'So Toby…are you going to be 'out' at school?'
'I hope I have the strength to say it when I have to, Ben. I want to be out. I'm proud of what I am and I don't want to be ashamed of saying I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. I want people to see us together if the opportunity arises. But I'm not the bravest boy in the world.'
Ben hugs me.
'I'll be there for you, and you know Paul will be on your side too. And you know what? I think Toby Miller is a whole lot braver than he thinks he is.'
I hug him back. I hope he's right.
'I guess the first person I have to tell is my wank-buddy Mark.'
'Why?'
'Well…we can hardly carry on doing what we do now I've got a boyfriend.'
'You can as far as I'm concerned.'
'I'm sorry?'
'Look…you – we – are horny teens. I have no idea when or how often we'll see each other during term time – though I hope it will be every few weeks. If you want a bit of mutual relief in the meantime, I'm just fine with that. You don't love him or anything do you?'
'God, no.'
'You don't kiss and cuddle?'
'No way.'
'Then a bit of release is all it is.'
'But what about you? You don't have a wank buddy do you?'
'No…but if I did I'd use him. Look…if we can get together regularly then fine…but if we can't, what's wrong with having a bit of a release occasionally?'
I think about it.
'You're kind and lovely, Ben, but I can't do that. I'm yours. Plain and simple. My heart, my soul and my body are yours. And if my body is yours, I don't want to share it with anyone else…and if I do then it would be because I was weak. And I want to be strong.'
'OK. Fine. But if you get tempted or carried away…just don't feel guilty.'
'I won't. But you see, Ben, if I come out…if I tell everyone I have a boyfriend… how would it look if I still went with another boy? There are no secrets in Public school – oh yes, we all think we're being discreet, but pretty much everyone knows who's wanking with who. It would make me look like a tart. No, dammit, I WOULD be a tart. If I need release, I'll just click on my holiday photos of you and jack off to them.'
'Want some more…special photos…then?'
I giggle.
'I would love to, Ben, but I don't want anything on my phone that's going to cause problems if someone else finds them.'
'I suppose you're right. But I'd love some pics of you on my computer – well hidden - to look at while you're not here.'
'Are you sure that would be safe?'
'Perfectly – well…unless the security services examine it, then nothing is safe. But that's hardly likely.'
I find the idea mildly erotic.
'Could I do the same…have some pics of you on my computer, hidden away?'
'Sure. I'll download the security stuff you need.'
'We do the pics now?'
'Why not?'
Ben takes a series of pics of me. Some are completely vanilla. Me without a shirt, say - and some are definitely not. He wants a close up of my cock both floppy and hard (it takes some time to get the floppy one). One of me naked but with hands over my groin. And a little video of me stroking myself. At the end, I take his phone and record a close up of me saying 'I love you, Ben' and blowing him a kiss. Ben transfers the pictures to his iPad and deletes them from his phone. Then we repeat the process with me taking the pictures of Ben. We transfer these to my iPad and clear his phone again. He adds a simple encryption programme and shows me how to use it.
'There…that will be more than enough to get me through until we actually meet up.'
We're both still naked. And the photo session and discussion have left us both aroused.
'Ummm…seems a shame to waste the fact that we both seem to be hard again…'
'You're insatiable'
'I know. But it's how you like me.'
'True. Come here.'
We enjoy a lazy mutual bj before hopping into bed, cuddling up, and falling asleep.
Paul arrives to pick me up at midday. I wonder if he's come via Abe. I've said my proper goodbyes to Ben inside, but we hug and kiss again before I get into the car.
'Hope to see you in three weeks,' I say; 'Once I know the school timetable, I'll confirm one way or the other.'
'I really hope so, Toby. I'm going to miss you so much.'
'Me too, Ben.'
We have a final kiss, and then I wave as we pull out of the drive.
On the way home, I ask Paul if he went to see Abe on the way to collecting me.
'Yeah…yeah I did. But just to tell him that it had to stop. Sure he's cute and it was fun with him but…I'm going away with Sarah for a week and I do like her. Maybe if things don't work out with her next time I'll try with a boy – but not with Abe. I'm just not comfortable with him being the age of my little bro. It feels a bit weird.'
I nod. I think he's doing the right thing. Even if part of me worries that Abe will be back on the scene with Ben now.
'But did you?'
'Did I what?'
'Have a final…goodbye…with Abe.'
He throws me a quick glance. I can see the answer in his face.
'Yes – but only because Abe insisted. And it was after I told him it had to stop. He said it would be something to remember me by. And it was. But it still leaves me feeling a bit guilty.'
'What is it you said, 'sex is sex'?'
'Yes. But maybe…maybe it shouldn't be. Not if it leaves you feeling bad about yourself.'
'So…big bro has a conscience.'
'I guess.' There's a pause. 'But…are you still going to do stuff with…Mark isn't it?...once you're back at school?'
See. I told you. Everyone knows.
'No, I'm not. It would be letting Ben down.'
'So I'm not the only one with a conscience? What are you going to tell him when he wonders why you don't want to play 'stroke the sausage' with him any more?'
'I want to be out, Paul. I want people to know who and what I really am. So I'm going to tell Mark the truth; that much as I'd enjoy carrying on doing what we do, I can't because I have a boyfriend.'
Paul looks across at me and smiles.
'Way to go, Tobes. Good for you. And I meant what I said…any grief you just let me know.'
'Thanks, Paul – but I hope it won't come to that.'
With only a week left 'til school restarts, and with Paul away with Sarah, I'm on my own in the house during the day and I'm miserable as hell. I miss Ben so much. Sure, we talk every evening but it's not the same. And whereas he seems to be able to go out and enjoy himself with his friends, I can't. That's partly because I don't know many of the local guys and partly because those I do know are back at school already; the state schools have shorter holidays than us public school boys do.
Mum and Dad try to talk me round, but they know why I'm feeling like I am and they don't push it. The only things I enjoy doing are running and swimming and I throw myself into these activities far harder than I normally would. The result is that at least I'm a whole lot fitter and stronger than I'd otherwise be. Also on the upside, Mark, the one friend I do get to see at the weekend is entirely unsurprised when I come out to him. I figured I ought to at least run a trial before getting back to school, and the experience is very reassuring.
Mark – that's blond Mark my friend, not wank buddy Mark from school – (what is it with me and guys called Mark?) just says,
'Well, Toby, that's hardly a surprise. I don't think I've ever seen you look twice at a girl. And you certainly haven't noticed them looking twice at you – which they do a lot, incidentally. Good for you. So what's happened to make you tell me now?'
So I tell him all about Ben. Well, not ALL about him, obviously.
'Boyfriends, huh? Cool. Is he good in bed?'
He sees me stare at him.
'Aww, come on Tobes, It's natural to be curious. I mean, if I said I was going out with Heather, I bet you'd ask the same.'
'Are you going out with Heather?'
'Don't change the subject.'
He looks at me. He raises his eyebrows.
'Well,' I say, he's certainly very good OUT of bed.'
Mark can't suppress a snort of laughter and then I'm laughing as well.
'Good for you. I'm pleased you're happy. Here, come and have a hug.'
And so we do. And suddenly things are better. I spend an enjoyable weekend with Mark and get life back in perspective - well mostly anyway. On Monday Paul gets back from his week away with Sarah, and on Tuesday term restarts.
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